If you’re looking for a christmas gift for a sports mom or dad, or for someone who loves softball, this is a great link. There are designs for football dads, basketball moms, and lots of different youth sports. You can get t-shirts, bags, stickers, buttons, magnets, license plate frames, water bottles, calendars, cards, and lots of other cool stuff. Check it out:

http://www.cafepress.com/sportygifts

‘Twas 15 nights before Christmas, when all through the orchard

“snow might fall from the sky,” was the rumor most heard;

“It’s not going to happen as long as I’m there”

Said the party-pooper brainiac without any hair.

The customers all left with knowledge in their heads

While visions of dock icons danced in their heads

And Jaqui with her webmail and I with my bubble wrap

Had just settled down for a quick breaktime nap.

When at the back door there arose such a clatter

I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter

Away to the back door I flew like a flash

Mama D tore open the shutters and threw up the sash

The students were back for their bushel of apples

and I yelled something you’d never say sitting in chapel

“Holy shit,” I said loudly with my eyes all aglow

“What the eff is this crap, is this actually snow?”

The little old driver, so lively and quick

Drove off with their fruit and I ran in real quick

More rapid than eagles my coworkers they came

they said, “Is that dandruff on your shoulder or are you insane?”

“Now Jaqui! Now, Diana! Now Adam and Hector!

I have no scalp condition, get me a lie detector!

I’m out of this place! My children, I must call!

Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”

You know what they say about years hurricanes hit

Who knew you could really believe in that shit?

So out to the parking lot so fast I flew

With my laptop and keys and my iPhone, too.

As I reached the mall exit, that’s when I knew

Emo kids were all jumping around and yelling, “WOO HOO!!”

As I pulled out my iPhone and drew a face on my car

I realized that this was really quite bizarre

I opened the door and jumped in the front seat

I pulled out my phone and posted a tweet!

I backed out of the lot and called the old man

to ask if the snowing at home had began

He did not believe me, I said, “check your twitter”

He said I was crazy. I think he was bitter.

I drove home on the freeway, 10 car lengths behind that Lexus

You know, people can’t drive in snow down in Texas.

Some snow stayed on my car throughout that long trip

So I showed it to Johnny and called him a dip.

The kids jumped for joy, as jolly as elves

And they all wondered if they’d get to see it themselves.

We waited for hours, bedtime drew near

When was the snow going to make it down here?

I spoke not a word while the kids went berserk

and finally at 9, we got quite a perk!

Look mom, here it is! It’s not rain, yes I mean it.

Come out and take a picture of me trying to eat it!

I threw on my slippers and because I’m a giver

I took lots of pictures all in between shivers.

Snow was falling from the sky, it was quite a little flurry

And I was so flippin cold all my pictures were blurry!

Daddy came out and griped, “you will all end up sick!”

I said, “come on now Johnny, quit being a dick.”

The kids settled in for a long winter’s nap

But they wanted snow, not that bedtime crap!

We said it would be there tomorrow if it snowed in the night

Now go to bed before you get grounded, all right?

While visions of iPods danced in their heads,

I tricked silly Johnny and jumped out of bed.

Away to the front yard I flew like a flash

Grabbed my camera and PJs and looked like white trash

Down the sidewalk, snap snap!

to the street, snap snap snap!

Brought my camera to Johnny and said “Look at this crap!”

He finally believed me, but looked at me funny

and asked, “did you check on the kids or were you lying to me, honey?”

Lying’s such a harsh word, I was simply distracted.

I saw lots of white stuff and over reacted.

I heard him exclaim as I uploaded photos to my site,

“Merry Christmas, Shana Rae! Tell your bitches good night!”

I am:

a Trainer

I think:

that I was drunk when I took this picture

I have:

cheap sunglasses

I dislike:

The bitch driving this white truck

I miss:

My favorite uncle

I fear:

Public speaking!

I feel:

Lucky

I hear:

iTunes

I smell:

Sex and candy :o)

I crave:

some yummy ribs

I cry:

Happy, blue tears

I usually:

Drive people around

I search:

iGoogle

I wonder:

About the sanity of my children

I regret:

Ever calling Comcast

I wish:

my friends could stop fighting

I love:

My 3 stooges

I care:

about my grandma

I always:

find random pictures of shoes when I give Courtney the camera to play with

I worry:

about when she starts driving

I am not:

welcome in the "man cave"

I remember:

How much I loved this trip

I believe:

that I can use some more junk in my trunk

I sing:

when I drive

I don’t always:

I write:

In my blog

I win:

these headphones

I lose:

papers

I listen:

to audiobooks on my phone

I don’t understand:

hypocrites

I can usually be found:

with my nose in my macbook pro

I need:

My kids

I forget:

Numbers!!

I am happy:

that I finally finished this post!

To the flag
Of the United Steaks Of America.

-Courtney

On my last weekday off, I was in an accident on my way to pick up Courtney from preschool. Usually Johnny or my dad pick her up.

Today I’m off again and going to pick her up. I was about 10 minutes early, so I sat in the car playing on my phone. She goes to a church school, so I was sitting in the church parking lot. A Bible Study group let out right in front of where I was parked. I don’t think any of them were under 65 yrs old.

This one man, about 300 lbs, stepped down onto the rocks and FELL right in front of my car!! He tried to get up, but he couldn’t muster up the strength or the breath to push himself up to his feet from the rocks that he was sitting on. All of the old ladies were doing this and 2 of the older men tried to pull him up but he fell back down.

I opened up my driver’s door, pushed my way through the old ladies and said, “Outta my way!!”

I’m just kidding, but they WERE blocking my door. I really said, “excuse me”

I borrowed one of the old lady’s walkers and she leaned up against my car while we used it to help the guy up. We set it in front of him and me and one of the men pushed down on it so that it wouldn’t move, and the other man took the rear end. He was able to get back on his feet after 3 tries. I was wearing the worst shirt for this job… I’m sure I flashed all of the old ladies as I was leaning over and when the man finally got up, he looked down… then up… and said thank you.

I’m telling Johnny that he needs to pick up Courtney from now on. That’s WAAAAY too much excitement for me! Although, I am a little proud that we actually figured out a way to get him up. He walked away and seemed OK.

I wasn’t going to write tonight, but my google reader on my phone just crashed for the third time tonight. I took that as my sign to stop reading and go to bed. Only I fell asleep at 6 out of pure exhaustion so I’m wide awake at midnight. This should feel real nice in the morning.

We have power now, thank goodness. The kids went back to school and things are starting to get back to normal. It’s definitely not the case for everyone. It’s 11 days after the hurricane and people are still without power. As I drive out of my neighborhood, I pass up 3 homemade signs with the words, “we need power” spray painted on plywood. They may or may not have it on this week. It’s not a big deal to lose your power for a few hours, or even for a day, but it is nearly impossible to live like that for an extended period of time. Especially in Texas heat, especially with children, and especially when everyone else is getting on with their lives and have progressed to bitching about having no cable.

That’s my main job these days. When we moved over here, it took about a month and dozens of calls and emails to get my service installed and they still haven’t corrected some of the mistakes they made in their botched installation. I had cable for a couple of weeks and then the storm hit. Imagine my horror when we got home and found that the cable had fallen from the pole and into the street. It was not so much the horror of not having tv, Internet or phone, but the horror of having to deal with comcast again. I don’t want to give details because thinking about it starts a fire in my gut, but let’s just say that the line of BS I was given today involved my cable magically reattaching itself to the pole while I sit and wait and continue to pay for having no service. I called no less than 6 times to inform them of the line on the ground, and this woman cancelled my service call and assured me that it would be on after my neighborhood “node” was fixed. There was no need to come to my house. (That’s where the comcast magic comes in, folks. You just have to believe!!)

Ugh! That doesnt even scratch the surface of the BS they’ve told me this week. They make me crazy! So onto better things…

Kristen was so excited this afternoon. She made student council!! She actually tied with another girl so they have to take another vote to decide who will be the alternate. But she was on cloud 9!

Courtney was being a big ol silly butt all afternoon. This will probably be one of those things that you have to see to appreciate, but I’ll tell you anyway, mostly because it makes me giggle. We were watching our kick ass tv with the rabbit ear antennas and an iPhone commercial came on. It shows this neat application that finds restaurants near you and says, “this will change everything.” courtney was playing with dolls and not even watching the commercial, yet she chimed in and says matter-of-factly, “oh yeah? Well can it change your
SCHOOL?” hmmmm I’ll have to ask a genius about that one!

Nikki and her friend katie spent the evening making crazy shirts to wear to school tomorrow that wish their friend Miranda a happy birthday. There’s also a giant card for her. I think the goal was to embarrass Miranda, but that plan might just backfire on them. LOL

Yes I know I switched from past to present tense in every other sentence, but I’m not editing. Down with grammar! Down with this blog entry! Down with my head… It’s time for bed!

Tomorrow we’re waking up bright and early to go back home! Good bye, San Antonio! I will NOT miss you, but I will miss all of our savings that we spent while we were there!

We’re not QUITE going home, though… we’ll be staying at my mom’s house, which is in Bacliff, about 10 miles away from our house. Somehow they have electricity, phone, water, sewer… I’m thinking maybe even internet because they have DSL. My brother says that they’re the only ones on the block who have power. Very strange!!

My brother lives in Oyster Creek and his house is a little jacked up, so he’ll be staying with mom until he gets it fixed. Then there’s his girlfriend, Nana, me, my 3 kids, Johnny, my parents… why am I doing this again? Oh yeah, because I can’t live in a hotel hundreds of miles away from home any longer. Unfortunately I am not independently wealthy just yet.

When I talked to Johnny a few hours ago, our house had no utilities to speak of. He’s running the freezer, fridge, a TV, and fan off of our generator. Yesterday there was no place to buy gas. Today something opened, but they were rationing it to $40 per person. So he’ll be there early tomorrow for another $40. I wish we knew how long the power would be out so we’d know if it’s cheaper to throw out all of the food (there’s a lot of it), or keep running that damn thing. Krogers had signs of life, but it wasn’t open today. They passed out water and ice at one time, but it went quick. So did the food that was shipped in.

I don’t think it will be too bad just being down the road. My car is packed with groceries and supplies. We should be able to make due with that until everything opens back up again. I just want to be home.

Here’s the Ike ‘o the day message from the city:

This is Texas City Emergency Management. We continue to show improvement with the water supply problem and anticipate to be up to 100 percent on the system by daybreak tomorrow. You should continue to conserve water overall and boil all drinking water.

Only a partial shipment of food and water was received today and was gone before we could use this system to notify you.

More is coming and we will have enough for everyone who needs these items shortly.
Stores are opening and food and other items are available in some places. Gas stations are opening up and some fast food places are open.

Texas-New Mexico is continuing to make progress on restoring electricity but several days or weeks are still a reasonable estimate until all are restored

We encourage you to be safe and to realize that a large amount of work is going into restoring all our lives to normal.

I should be able to keep updating, even if it is just from my phone. (That’s because my phone rocks.. yes indeed it does)

Look, another blog entry! 2 in one week! How amazing is that? LOL

I’m sitting here in a hotel room in San Antonio. It’s 5 a.m. and I’m awake because Johnny called me at 3 a.m. to tell me that he made it home. I twittered at 3 and I hope nobody had device updates turned on. If so, sorry, and here’s another text message for ya! LOL

Johnny says that the house looks OK in the darkness, but we have no power, we have to boil the water, and nothing is open. The only places that he saw on his way home with electricity were a Target in Dickinson and our old neighborhood that we just moved out of. DOH! I just read that the TC hospital is closed because they don’t have water, either. I’m not bringing the girl’s home in that mess.

I can’t go back to sleep. I’m going to regret this in a few hours. I really do not like being in San Antonio, but it’s clearly better than being at home right now. We’re trying to make the best of it and we’re turning it into a mini-vacation. We’re going to check out the mall tomorrow and visit the local Apple stores. Maybe people are nice there. They’re surely not nice anywhere else in this damn town.

I forgot to bring the real camera, but I’ve been taking pictures on the phone and posting to my .Mac account if you’re interested. We’ve been having fun at the Riverwalk, Alamo, pool, restaurants, etc. I just really really really want to go home, though.

I have a collection of blogs that I read in my google reader… I read some because they are written by friends and I read others because… hell, I don’t know why I read some of them. But one in particular really got my blood boiling this morning. She’s “infuriated” becuase people who didn’t evacuate their homes had the NERVE to ask to be rescued. Wow. I shouldn’t let that get me so angry, but honestly, she obviously has NO idea. Apparently she did not sit in a car for 24 hours in September 3 years prior, evacuating from “a category 5 storm that was coming to destroy Galveston,” but barely left a mark on the city. The evacuation did kill 150 people and left many thousands miserable and broke! That makes you a little hesitant to evacuate for the next “big” storm. Or wait, maybe she kind of missed out on the fact that 2 days before the storm, the mayor of Galveston was telling everyone but the west side to “shelter in place.” Or wait… maybe she missed the fact that half of the people affected by the storm were told to STAY HOME!! I got 5 calls from the city’s emergency management the day that I left (the day before the storm) that were telling me to stay home and I live right outside of Galveston, across the street from the Bay! So I guess what I’m saying is, “zip it!” Nobody can tell you with any certainty that a hurricane will destroy your home or if it’s OK to stay in it. Enjoy your home, your electricity, your water, your local grocery store, hospitals, gas stations, your child’s school, the fact that your husband can go to work, the fact that you can even safely be IN your home with your child, the fact that you even HAVE a home… and do not judge those who don’t have any of that right now!

Hmph!

I stole this from Laura. She didn’t actually tag me, but it’s fun to pretend. LOL

20 years ago….
1. I was a sophomore in HS, I think
2. I lived in Dickinson, TX
3. I wanted to drive so badly!!

10 years ago….
1. I’d just had my second child
2. I decided that I’d rather do freelance work and be with my babies
3. I told myself that I’d definitely not have any more children!

5 years ago….
1. I was getting ready to give birth to my 3rd child! (so much for that last statement!)
2. Had no idea that my OB-GYN would want to arrange some freelance work while looking up from between my legs and asking about it as I was pushing. (akwaaard) LOL

3. Arranged for the tubal ligation before I left the hospital. :o)

3 years ago….
1. I was evacuating for Hurricane Rita
2. I was on the road with all 3 kids for 24 hours straight
3. I vowed I’d never evacuate again

1 year ago….
1. I was trying to get a job with Apple
2. I was pretty content with life, but working too hard for too little
3. I was about to get a great surprise the next month.

This year so far….
1. I love my job so much I don’t freelance anymore
2. I sent my baby to preschool
3. I moved to a new house, and with my grandma, so she won’t be alone anymore

Yesterday….
1. I went to work
2. I couldn’t stop watching the weather
3. I decided it would be stupid to stay home and risk my babies lives and made reservations to evacuate

Today….
1. I ran from Hurricane Ike
2. I understood completely how someone could commit a crime of passion, and go completely insane in a moments notice, as I stood in the lobby of the La Fucking Quinta and was told I had no reservation
3. I am thankful that my parents were here to save the day, and that Johnny is on his way here and out of harm’s way!

Tomorrow….
1. I’ll watch the weather constantly
2. I might take the kids to see the Alamo
3. I hope none of my friends at home get hurt.

Next year….
1. I will pay the home insurance another year and say fuck it if a storm comes. I’m gone.
2. I will cry when I put my baby on the bus for Kindergarten
3. I will cry when my oldest starts to drive!

I tag….
Whoevah! :o) I don’t think anyone reads anyway! LOL

Next week, we’re getting a little garage thing built in the new backyard and then we begin the official move!!

This weekend, I’m trying to get as much done at the house as possible, because I have some really fun plans with friends next weekend that I don’t want to miss!

So this is going to be my children’s bedroom in a week or two:

Cozy, huh? LOL

All of those cabinets and shelves were full of stuff this morning. Lots of stuff! My parents came over and helped me box it up and move it to the attic and the patio. It’s out of the way and I can go through it after we’re all moved in. Now I can start priming and painting the cabinets and shelves. Then we’re gonna paint the floor with that speckle stuff, close in the other door, put A/C in, make some kind of closet, etc etc etc… It’s gonna be pretty neat when it’s done. We’re going to have no use for our current couches and big screen TV, so we might put it in there. They are going to have the coolest room evah! Check out all of those plugs on the wall. I’m thinking computers & video games all the way down!! The downside is that they’ll all have to share the same room, but I’m trying to make it where they can have their own little spaces in there.

Mom and I also primed the outside wall. I can’t figure out what color to paint it. The original color of the house trim is faded so nothing’s really going to match. I’m going to have to paint it all the way around to make it the same color. I thought about a contrasting color for those walls, but there’s already some contrasting colors in other places and I can’t match that, either! UGH. Oh well. I love to paint. Maybe I can save that project for the fall when it’s cooler.

Before:

After:

I love the way you tell our player to ignore the obnoxious coach of the other team who is trying to intimidate her while she’s pitching, even when that coach is standing right next to you when you tell her that.

I love the passive-aggressive way you tell their other coach, “I’m sorry, but I can’t stand that man,” in the middle of the game.

I love the way that they make their runners steal home, even though we’re not allowed to steal home, just so that they can make us look incompetent. Even more, I love the way you did it right back to them in the next inning. he he he he

I love the way you bring our outfielders in to have a chance to play infield when we’re down by 5, like we’re not one bit worried about them beating us.

I love the awesome 2-woman wave and “whoop whoop,” we do for Madi before she pitches. She called us embarrassing, and tried not to look, but she was looking… oh yes, she was looking. (How can you NOT look?)

I love how after our girls make the most embarrassing series of crack-monkey throws during one play in the history softball, allowing a home run on a ground ball, that you do not judge me when I go over and praise my baby for almost getting the out at home… almost, by a mile. Hey, at least she caught it!!

I love when you are coaching third and I am coaching first, how you can look at me and giggle and I’ll know exactly what you’re laughing about. Yes, I agree… it’s fun to watch them run around like that. No you crazy bitch, I’m not sending her to second. Here’s a sign for you (a big L on the forehead). Yes, I know we’re not supposed to giggle when the umpire bends over and shows us his/her ass when he/she brushes off home plate. 

I love how you are a better pitcher than me, but you make ME pitch when Johnny’s not there. I also love how you’re a better catcher than me, but you let that child bruise up my poor hand while you laugh at my skills and my glove. 

Most of all, I love how you just KNOW all of the other team’s signals. You have an amazing gift, Miss Cheryl. I love how you have no shame when you watch their coach give the signal to bunt, and you yell at our 3rd baseman to move up before the batter’s even in the box, and then how you yell across the field at her to move back seconds after the “hit away” sign is given. And best of all, I LOVE how you tell their coach, “Hey coach, she’s waiting for you to give the signal,” he gives the signal to bunt, and without hesitation and with no shame, you yell across the field at the 3rd baseman to move up for the bunt.

Your balls are made of a space-age steel and brass mixture that is hermetically bonded for strength, and they are held to your crotch with Sasketuan seal skin bindings, Miss Cheryl. Have I ever told you that I love you? No?

Johnny’s working nights tonight. He called me around 8:30 to tell me that he let a friend of his borrow one of our pitching machines (yes we have more than one - DOH!) and he wanted to let me know that the guy would be bringing it back in a few minutes.

I hung up the phone and jumped up to open the garage and nosey Nikki was following me saying, “What are you doing? Who was that? Who’s coming over? huh? huh?” So I told her, “Daddy let a man borrow his balls and he’s bringing them back.” I like to say things that disgust  her when she’s being annoying and any talk about balls will always be taken the wrong way with her. That’s what you do when you’re 14 - you make a dirty joke out of everything. Apparently you also do this at 34, but whatever - we’re talking about Nikki here. If I say something disgusting enough, it usually causes her to freak out and leave me alone. But sometimes she’ll come back with a pretty good response.

So now I’m standing in the garage letting the door open and she’s standing in the kitchen door yelling, “I’m gonna tell him when he comes over, ‘My momma doesn’t want to play with your balls!’” The door was open to about boob-height while she was yelling that. I rolled my eyes, turned around to watch the door go over my head, and what do you know? Yes, the man is standing right in front of me. At least he knows I don’t want to play with his balls - we cleared the air on that one just in case there were any weird vibes! With my face the same red color as the weird sunburn that I got ONLY on my neck yesterday (what’s up with that?), I took the pitching machine from the man, and he handed me the little bag of balls. My hand quivered as I grabbed this strange man’s ball sack, but I grasped it firmly in my hand, told him thank you, and shut the door. Nikki was in hysterics when I walked back in, but thank goodness she didn’t see the “transaction.” We must have SOME limits. 

In other news… later in the evening, Nikki and Courtney were having one of their deeeep conversations. (Courtney is my 4 year old.) Here’s how that went: 

Nikki: “Do you want to be like me when you get bigger?” 

Courtney: “No.” 

HA HA! Oh wait, it gets better. 

Nikki: “Why?” 

Courtney: “Because you’re mean and grouchy.” 

Nikki makes a sad face and acts like she’s crying 

Courtney, very matter-of-factly: “What? You didn’t know?”

Oh SNAP!!!

We had so much fun today! It was opening day for softball, so the girls had a parade, opening ceremonies, and an exhibition game.

Johnny worked last night, so he slept through the festivities and woke up just in time for the game in the afternoon. Guess what that meant? Yep, that meant that *I* drove the truck in the parade. Can you believe they let me do that? LOL I told the team ahead of us that they’d better keep their players on their trailer because I wasn’t stopping. I thought it would be a good way to narrow down the competition. They stayed on their trailer, funny enough. The parade ended without me running over any players, kids running for candy, or weird ass adults walking in the middle of the street… alone… collecting candy in their shirts. Freaks. I had a little trouble with accelerating at first and Cheryl said that she saved a few of our girls because she had them by the pony tails. I think the woman exaggerates. 

  

Opening ceremonies mostly consisted of people screaming into a microphone and Cheryl and I standing out of earshot of everyone giggling about the things they said that sounded dirty.



After that was over, I took Cheryl, Kim, and all of our kids back to the start of the parade so that they could get their cars that they left there. I think that driving through the ghetto in a decorated truck when there’s NOT a parade going on it almost as fun as actually riding in the parade! When we pulled up to the start, we saw Coach Alex’s truck sitting there, unmanned, just BEGGING for us to do something to it. I swear it spoke to us, because at that moment Cheryl and I looked at one another and had the same idea. Our shit’s coming off our truck and it’s going on Alex’s!!! (Alex is a coach of another team in our division, vice president of the league, SUPER competitive guy, forever our archnemesis.) Apparently it spoke to Nikki, too. She had the same idea. So we started pulling little cardboard softballs off of our truck and sticking them all over Alex’s. The streamers came off, the big “Here comes Trouble” sign went on his tailgate.



I giggled uncontrollably all the way home. I woke up Johnny and told him what we did and he said, “That’s messed up,” with a big ass smile on his face. 

Nikki’s game was at the same time as Kristen’s, so I didn’t get to see her play. She said that she hit a ball to centerfield and got a triple. Woo hoo! They won. 

Our game went better than we thought it would. We lost. We need lots of work. But they did well.

Madi pitched the first inning and then we put a new pitcher in. Well she’s not new, but new to us. Holy cow. This child has POWER. The little catcher was afraid to catch it - she’d turn her head and miss it almost every time. When she’d catch it, the force of the ball would almost knock her on her bootie. Most of the time, she’d miss and it would hit the wood on the fence and sound like a gunshot. And then there were the times when the umpire caught it - with his shoulder, his leg, his head, his crotch… yes, it bounced off the man’s crotch twice. He said, “I think I earned my money on that game!” It was the funniest shit EVAH (aside from sticking our team’s stuff all over Alex’s truck). I think we need to work on that child’s accuracy just a teench. Time expired before Kristen got a chance to pitch. She was complaining about being tired anyway, so that’s probably for the best.

I’m sitting here all stinky, too tired to get in the bath. Our neighbor (the one who doesn’t destroy our property), bought “the kids” a half gallon of ice cream because Johnny pressure-washed some mold off of her house the other day out of the goodness of his heart. So we’re enjoying the fruits of his labor. Yummmm. Thanks, Johnny!

What can I say about today? Courtney really wanted to go shopping, and she told me that if I’d take her that… well let me let her tell you in her own words.

Courtney: “Mom. Pleeeease, let’s go to Sams!” 

Me: ” ”

Courtney: “Mom! PAHLEEEEASE!! If you take me to Sam’s I’ll give you a m…… (muffled words - sounded like “million dollars”)”

Me: *giggle* “You’ll give me what?”

Courtney: “I’ll give you a MEATLOAF!!!”

Well how do you say no to meatloaf? I know.

“Ask daddy, baby.” he he

“She’s always grinning, this one. Every time I look over at her.” 

That’s what one of my coworkers told a customer, referring to me.

I can’t help it. Life is good. 





I just wish my house was clean. 

I just realized that it’s 10:30 and I totally missed the evening news. They’ve been teasing me for 2 days on the radio, telling me that I’m probably posioning my children and I don’t even know it. And I missed it! I’ll never know! Effing news!

In other news, we had a coaches meeting tonight. I find it very amusing how grown men can hear a rule pertaining to a batting tee for 4 and 5 year old girls, analyze it, and within seconds, find a way to twist that rule so that it works to their advantage to win a game. It’s been a while since we’ve had little ones playing, but the way I remember it, the strategy was to just get them to run to the correct base (not into the outfield, backwards, or skipping second), to not sit down on the field, to not build sandcastles with their feet… Coach Cheryl used to tell them that they won every game, even if they lost by 20!! LMAO!! Men. I swear.

Kristen has been waiting for about a week for one of her back teeth to come out. It was hanging on by a thread all that time. Today she’s sick and she’s slept most of the day away. She finally woke up, walked over to me, pulled her cheek back so that I could see her missing back tooth and said, “Look”.

I said, “Oh wow…  you lost it!!”

To that she said, “Literally.” and with a face like this:  and then she walked away.


Yeah, we have no idea where it is. hmmmm

Aaaah softball season is upon us once again. Kristen practices 2 weeknights and Nikki practices the other 3. When we build our million dollar house, I would like it to have a practice field in the backyard. We practically live there anyway, and maybe I wouldn’t spend so much money stopping at the store for water and gum every afternoon. 

Johnny, Cheryl and I are coaching Kristen’s team again. The first couple of practices were a little bit scary, but they’re coming around. Ha ha!! If you have any tips to keep 10 year olds from constantly jabbering, I’d love to hear them. We’d get soooo much more done if we could focus that energy. Maybe we just need LOTS more gum. They are a fun group of girls, though. We should have called them the Chatty Cathies. 

Nikki’s enjoying her team, too. She wants to try out for the high school team next year, so she’s pretty motivated to work hard.

We spent an outrageous amount of money at the softball/baseball store last week. It’s a sickness. We probably have enough softball equipment in the garage to outfit 2 or 3 teams. I mean, we have 3 sets of catcher’s gear and none of us catch!! *blush*

I might be strapping it on soon because Kristen is starting to get a little power to her pitches. She’s having a little trouble pitching when a girl is standing at the plate, though. I’m threatening to buy her this:  

   

Is that the funniest thing you’ve ever seen, or is it the funniest thing you’ve ever seen??

We set up a ghetto pitching target in the backyard last week. I put our small trampoline on it’s side and told her to throw the ball at it. (it bounces back at her - get it?) I’m going to go back there one day when she’s at school and fashion some kind of crazy looking scarecrow batter to stand by it. We’ll laugh for hours, and knowing my kids, they’ll dress her up and take pictures of her doing strange things. I’m sure the authorities will be involved at some point.

Life is good. Actually, life is rockin my socks. The problem is that I’m just so flippin tired.

Blah. That’s how I feel right now. I could clean out the dishwasher so the guy could come fix it, but blah. I could do the freelance work that I should be doing, but blah. I could go gripe at the neighborhood kids (which is usually one of my favorite pastimes), but you guessed it… bla-fucking-ah!

I get up at 5:55 am every day now. No, not 6:00 am, but 5:55. ALWAYS 5 minutes before the alarm goes off. It’s starting to piss me off a little. That’s just not a natural thing, in my opinion, and it really blows my mind. What IS that?? Sometimes I try to close my eyes and get that extra 5 minutes in. I’m such a sleep whore. 

I used to get the kids up and get them to school in a half-conscious state, then come back and sleep for another hour until Courtney woke up. Now I have to be at work at 8 am, so mommy’s nappy-time has gone bye bye. Mommy needs her morning nappy time and they won’t let me sleep at work. Yes, I asked. :o)

I tried some coffee a few weeks ago when we had a special thing at work with free coffee. I poured a lot of white stuff in it so that it wouldn’t taste like anything like what it was supposed to taste like, and I managed to drink almost half of a cup before I couldn’t stand it anymore. A few minutes later, I thought that I was going to have a heart attack! My heart was pounding out of my chest. With the amount of excedrin that I take on a daily basis, I thought that coffee would be no big deal, but I was wrong. That shit is evil. Almost as evil as Cinnabuns. Oh, those are the devil!!

Comcast just called me asking if I knew about the virus protection they offer. I just laughed. Silly Comcast, I have a Mac. 

EGADS! Now it’s the doorbell again! Flippin kids!! “She’ll be out when she’s finished with her homework! Pass it down!! Go away!!!”

They should make smoke detectors sound like doorbells. I slept through the smoke alarm once, but that doorbell scares the beegeezus out of me every time I hear it. Now I’m awake. Yay.   

Is my basketball goal divine? Do you see the face? I’m hoping that the Vatican doesn’t get a hold of this development. If people travel from all over the country to light a candle in my driveway, I’m probably going to have to clean. I’d surely have to throw out the RockBand box that’s been on the porch since Christmas. I’m just not ready for that kind of physical activity. 

Speaking of RockBand, daddy’s PS3 drowned in a tragic Coca-Cola accident this week. We’re still mourning. I can’t bear to move it from the coffee table. I keep plugging it in, hoping for a miracle. Maybe I should just light a candle and set it under the basketball goal!?! Hmmm…. gotta go…   

Edited on 1-27. The believers are starting to show up:



Edited about a week later: And the PS3 is now working! There’s something to this thing, I’m telling you!

Courtney was standing in front of Nikki doing cheers.

Courtney: “Gimme a Y!”

Nikki: “Y!”

Courtney: “Because I said so!”

HA HA!! Little stinker!!

Just so you’ll know that I did clean the mess below, and that there’s not a dead cat in my fish tank (thanks, Julie):

Last night I spent some time lying in bed watching TV while the girls had run of the house. Note to self: bad idea.

When I went to the kitchen later that night, I caught a glimpse of something weird in the fish tank out of the corner of my eye. She poured half the container of fish food in there and blamed it on Kristen!

The food is little floating pellets and all of those little things floating around on the top of the water reminded me of bacteria on a petri dish… kinda like this:

I was too tired (OK, lazy) to fish them out of there last night. Another bad idea. Now it looks about as clear as the Gulf of Mexico (where we live, that means BROWN). Her little hermit crab that she found at the beach a few weeks ago finally came out of his shell and walked around. I guess he feels at home now. :giggle:

THANKS, COURTNEY!!!!!!

Update:

I took all of the creatures out this morning to clean it and I found out that we actually have TWO hermit crabs in there. I had no idea! There are shells all over the bottom and I thought he was a shell. He got a little air time when I realized he was in there.

Nikki is an officer for Student Council at her school. The school filmed her and 2 other officers reciting the Pledge and they’re going to play that video on all of the TVs in all of the classrooms every morning.


Well my dear Nikki…

They said the Pledge, and then after that, the video is supposed to cut to someone telling them to observe a moment of silence. Right after Nikki and her buds say the Pledge, Nikki yells “Woo hoo!” and twirls the flag around like she’s in the damn color guard!

She says that she thought that the camera was off when she was woo-hooing. She found out that it was NOT off when they called her little bootie down to the office during 3rd period. That’s when she found out that she needed to take a walk to the library and make sure certain things got edited out completely.

She says that she walked into the library, the ladies turned around, and started cracking up. They recognized her from the tape. They said, “We know what you’re here for!” and Nikki said, “Uh, yeah.”

Sometimes it’s hard to hold in your Patriotism, I suppose.

I’m a such a proud momma today!!!

Kristen pitched her first games!!!

She did AWESOME! She even struck out a couple of them! Madi, the other girl on our team who wants to pitch but just started learning last week, also did a great job. She doesn’t know the entire pitch yet, so we just had her doing a modified version of it. She’s gonna be a damn good pitcher in time. I think they both will.

Compared to some of the other teams, and especially to the other TC team, we kind of suck. All but one of our girls are new to 10 & under and it’s a HUGE difference from coach pitched. The kids are pitching and the runners can steal, so the pitcher and catcher become so much more important. So yeah, they suck right now but it’s a lot of fun to see them learn the new stuff.

And I’m so proud!! Did I mention that?? She had a great attitude and she didn’t get down on herself at all. I’m sure it helped that all of the parents and her team were really supportive.

Yesterday, Johnny, Nikki and I were all home with the stomach flu. We didn’t do anything but lay in bed and get up to visit the potty.

Courtney felt great - she apparently still does! I’m so happy she’s feeling good, but I feel bad that she got almost no attention yesterday. I got up a few times to make her something to eat/drink, and she was such a good girl. She’d just sit next to one of us and play with her toys or watch TV.

All was well until Kristen got home later. My grandma’s friend brought her home for me. Here are some of the crazy things I found during that time:Kristen got out a 3-pack of Ivory soap and I found her sitting on the Dora couch cutting into them with a steak knife.

I only had the energy to say, “Kristen, stop that!” I’m finding chunks of crushed soap all over the place today. I guess her first thought was, “Heck yes! Momma’s out - time to practice my widdlin’!!”

The next time I got up, Kristen found one of the guinea pigs in her school bag!!! Courtney has a bad habit of taking it out of the cage and leaving it in crazy places. I’ve found it in a box, on the couch, on the floor under a blanket. Sadly, I believe her days are numbered if I don’t put the cage up higher. She’s perfectly content when she’s covered up, so she just sits there waiting for mom to discover her or for disaster to strike. Anyway, I was warming up my gourmet dinner for the un-sick… Nuggets a la Chicken with salt & vinegar tomato sauce… and Kristen screamed, “OMG, the guinea pig pooped on my school stuff!!” The other day she left one of her papers sitting too close to the cage and they chewed a corner of it. So last week, the guinea pig ate her homework and this week, they pottied on it. oh dear.

My grandma sent over a bunch of juice for us with her friend. Someone drank an entire half gallon of Sunny D, and about 4 little bottles and boxes of juice last night. Again,

I went to the living room to lay down later because my legs were restless and I was tossing and turning. Well apparently the guinea pig had also spent some time on the couch. She left gifts. Of course, nobody bothered to pick them up. I said, screw this, made sure they were both in the cage, and went back to bed.I’ve only managed to get through a little bit of the mess. I’m sure I’ll find more weird shit later.

I took a shower earlier and I was ranting, raving, and searching in the nude for my razor. Nikki stayed the night with a friend last night and obviously took it with her. 

Fast forward to 8:45 pm. We’re getting ready for bed. Nikki’s taking everything out of her backpack from the sleepover so she can put her school stuff in it. Kristen runs in our room and says, “daddy, Nikki’s hurt and she needs you!!”

She had that razor in her backpack and sliced her finger open. Eeeewww! Ick!!! I’m so glad Johnny was home!!! I’ve dealt with bloody cuts before - even gazed into one on Courtney’s head that needed stitches - but there’s something about a cut from a razor that just makes me want to do this: Ya know??

He looked at it and decided that she needed to go to the ER. I started getting dressed but he decided to take her. So that’s where they are right now.

I couldn’t lay back down so I started cleaning stuff up. Courtney has a spring in her butt or something because she keeps popping back out here and I tell her to “GO TO BED ,” but she’s not having it. 

Just a few minutes ago, Kristen ran out here in a panic because…”I was laying down pretending like I was sleeping and Courtney put this thing on my finger!!”

I looked at her hand and she had a cable tie around her finger as tight as it could go… it was starting to turn the tip of her finger red.

FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, PEOPLE!!! What tha hell?? Only my kids could find a way to hurt themselves with a cable tie, of all things!

She was trying to cut it off with the scissors but she couldn’t get it under there without hurting her skin. I was just picturing Johnny’s face when we showed up in the ER waiting room with Kristen’s finger bleeding all over the place from her do-it-yourself de-cabling!

I grabbed the scissors from her (asked if she was nuts of course), and I couldn’t cut it off, either. I found something that fit inside of the piece that makes the cable tight and pried the little plastic piece up until it let go of her finger.

Nikki just called me from the ER. She’s concerned about the blood on her shirt and getting enough sleep to go to school. I’m surprised that she hasn’t ran screaming out of the ER at the thought of them poking her with something. Usually she’s in a panic attack if she thinks she’ll get a shot. Maybe dad should take them in more often. 

I’m still over here -ing at the thought of that razor cutting her. BLAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!! 

(Edited to add that all was well. No stitches, no lost appendages. They all got out of bed for school the next morning. Mom eventually shaved her legs.) 

We friggin ROCKED tonight. So what, we lost… we’ve been losing most of our games lately because we can barely get our team to show up. But tonight we played the first place team and we only lost by 1 point.

I can finally hit it into the outfield (about half of the time now) and not straight to first friggin base!

I played second and made quite a few outs tonight, I didn’t do anything embarrassing, and the only error I made was when I dropped the ball when a bitch was sliding into me on second. I caught everything they hit to me, made a couple of outs on second, and a few throwing it to first. I even scored the first run.

GAWD I had fun!!!!!!!

You know the best part? Kristen went with me, and when we got home she told Nikki that I did a good job.

Callie now has a friend.

Her name is Ashley. At least in this 5 minutes it is… the name changes with Courtney’s mood.

I send my husband to get bedding for it… BEDDING!! and he comes home with another one.

Actually, it’s a good thing. They are really social animals and they are supposed to be happier with a buddy. I’m just not crazy over this one because she feels like pubic hair.

Here she is. Courtney changes her name every 5 minutes so I’ve taken to calling her Whatsername Or “Pubes”

That’s an awful picture - she’s not that ugly, but she was scared so I only took the one picture. 

Her water bottle holder:

Her first meal in the new place:

Eating in the upstairs thing - Kristen put food up there to entice her. She’s a messy bitch.

Callie the Guinea Pig!!

ohnny made a deal with Kristen - she got it for keeping her room clean. I think Nikki is planning a photo shoot later and there’s talk of making her a myspace so she can befriend Mr. Gilbert.

Edit:

My goodness, she is in love with this creature. I just caught her in bed trying to make a little bassinet for her so that she could sleep closer to her. I think she put her down for a total of 30 whole minutes tonight.

She’s safely back in her own bed now, don’t worry.

I’m hot, and no I don’t mean supa-fine.

There is some wire in our a/c that keeps coming loose and has to be saudered (sp) back on once a month now. Johnny and his brother fixed it but they broke something else when they put it back together.

Then they went all the way up to his brother’s office in Houston to get some kind of welding thing, got to our house and realized that the oxygen tank on it was empty.

So I ain’t got no a/c, and I won’t until he gets the tank filled tomorrow.

OK, we have a/c in the bedroom with that window unit. But that means I have to hang out in bed tonight. And I think you all know what THAT means.

I just spent 30 minutes on the Playstation making Kristen a Sim house that looks just like our real house. We started the game up and the first thing that happened was that Nikki’s Sim burned the freekin kitchen down!

She threw the flaming can of beans in the middle of the kitchen and all the characters stood there screaming at it. We had to wait until Kristen got home from school to call the fire department.

Kristen went to VBS last week with Lindsey. They got a bunch of little toys that went with the theme and they named the bull “Coach Johnny.” Gosh, I have no idea why he reminds them of Johnny.

Yes, the back says “OBEY MY COMMANDMENTS”
_________________

Saving Silverman is on TV. It’s the beginning where they show their band “Diamonds in the Rough” for the first time and they’re all dressed up in their Neil Diamond attire. Courtney says, “Mommy! That looks like you!” (Talking about Jason Biggs as Neil Diamond). We argued for a long time and she swears that he looks like me. I don’t know what I’m going to do with that child. Enjoy. My daughter thinks I look like this.

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Either a pile of crap fell on top of me or I bled uncontrollably from the ass after getting a sequin lodged in it.

In other words, I’m going to finish cleaning Kristen’s room. Yes, the floor is covered in sequins. And JUNK!!!! Hello, Goodwill!

I hope I don’t flatten the back tires on my car when I load up all of this stuff…

She had a great birthday. Nikki’s in Dallas and she made me keep her up until after midnight last night so she’d be the first to tell her happy birthday. She called at 12:05 am. Johnny took her to breakfast when he got home at 6 am and she came back home and went to bed. I took Nana on some errands while they all slept and whadda ya know… our McDonalds, which they’ve been remodeling for months, finally opened back up on her birthday. So I got her a happy meal and nana got her a little cake. I planned on taking her to Walmart after that to spend some birthday cash but my dad called and took her. We had her softball party tonight at this new place called Main Event and we played there from 6-10. Then she got to go home with Lindsey while Cheryl and I had some quality mommy time together.

This weekend, Kristen’s team is going to State. They’re having it in a town about 45 min away. There was a coaches meeting at 2 so Johnny and Cheryl went to it and Kristen and Lindsey (and courtney) are here with me. We’re not going up there until 7:30 and it would be too much gas for Johnny and cheryl to drive home and back so they’re staying.

Anyway, I talked to them at one point after the meeting and Johnny was planning on riding around town (he’s on the Harley), and Cheryl was headed to Wal Mart. Well I called Johnny 5 minutes ago and they’re both at Target together! Johnny says that they’re shopping for undergarments that “her husband will appreciate.” CHeryl claims she just called him to come see what was on clearance. Yeah. umm hmm. OH - and I should also mention that last time I called, she was showing him the back of her van… the party van with the back seat that folds down flat. I knew I shouldn’t have sent those two alone!!!

OK so Cheryl and Johnny are out whoring up Target and Kristen and Lindsey are making creations in the kitchen. Courtney keeps telling me, “those girls are being mean to me mommy. They got my play dough wet and put it in the freezer!” This is a total made up story - they’re cutting up strawberries and there is no play dough in the freezer. She’s also screaming, “you’d better not eat those cupcakes that I made LASTERDAY!!!” I don’t think we’ve ever made cupcakes in my poor baby’s lifetime, much less lasterday. Before that, she was telling me that she’s “naked girl” and I’m “naked girl’s mommy.” Yes, she is fully clothed. She’s so

Kristen and Lindsey ate the pound cake that they were cutting strawberries for and Kristen says, “OK, let’s get back to work!” HUH? She’s so bossy!

Anyway, that was just an odd 5 minutes there - I thought I’d share it with you.

UPDATE:

I just learned that Kristen and Lindsey are writing songs. That’s what they needed to get to work on. She told Lindsey, “go ask the lady at the computer for some paper.”

UPDATE:

…and now courtney is under a blanket on the couch… alone… and she’s saying, “mom! leave us alone! go play somewhere else!”

Will the weirdness end?

Kristen gave me the “gifts” that she made me at school this morning.

One of them was an envelope full of coupons. They were all cut into little shapes and said:

Free not to bother you on the phone

Free car wash (I think she’s regretting that one)

Free listen to you (I need more of these)

Free water the flowers

Free clean the fish tank (she says she means the OUTSIDE of it)

Free cup of water

Free fold clothes

Free foot massage

Free help cooking

Free hang up clothes

Free get Courtney a drink

Free baby sit (10 min)

I love that kid!

Kristen’s team played a game this morning and won third place in their tournament.

After the game when the team was all huddled together in the shade talking about the weekend, Kristen walked up to me and said, “Mom, thank you for all that you do for me, and all that you do for our softball team. Happy mother’s day.”

Best present EVAH!!

Little shit - she had some pictures on her myspace that I told her to remove next time she logged on. She didn’t. Do you know what the little stinker did? She deleted me as a friend. Then she turned to me and said, “how come I’m not on your friend’s list anymore?” I said that I didnt’ know - I said that I was on earlier and she was my top friend so I couldn’t figure it out. She acted just as dumbstruck and said, “well I’ll request you again - make sure you add me.”

Well what she did was log into her OTHER account - her old one with the normal pictures - and added me using that one. Then she kept the old one up for everyone else with the pictures I didn’t like as her DEFAULT.

So I waited for her little arse to go to bed and I logged into her account. I deleted the pics myself, added myself, changed her default pic, and changed her username.

I’m considering changing her password so that she has to wait until tomorrow to switch it back and so all of her friends will get a chance to see it but I haven’t decided how mean I want to be yet.