‘Twas 15 nights before Christmas, when all through the orchard
“snow might fall from the sky,” was the rumor most heard;
“It’s not going to happen as long as I’m there”
Said the party-pooper brainiac without any hair.
The customers all left with knowledge in their heads
While visions of dock icons danced in their heads
And Jaqui with her webmail and I with my bubble wrap
Had just settled down for a quick breaktime nap.
When at the back door there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter
Away to the back door I flew like a flash
Mama D tore open the shutters and threw up the sash
The students were back for their bushel of apples
and I yelled something you’d never say sitting in chapel
“Holy shit,” I said loudly with my eyes all aglow
“What the eff is this crap, is this actually snow?”
The little old driver, so lively and quick
Drove off with their fruit and I ran in real quick
More rapid than eagles my coworkers they came
they said, “Is that dandruff on your shoulder or are you insane?”
“Now Jaqui! Now, Diana! Now Adam and Hector!
I have no scalp condition, get me a lie detector!
I’m out of this place! My children, I must call!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”
You know what they say about years hurricanes hit
Who knew you could really believe in that shit?
So out to the parking lot so fast I flew
With my laptop and keys and my iPhone, too.
As I reached the mall exit, that’s when I knew
Emo kids were all jumping around and yelling, “WOO HOO!!”
As I pulled out my iPhone and drew a face on my car
I realized that this was really quite bizarre
I opened the door and jumped in the front seat
I pulled out my phone and posted a tweet!
I backed out of the lot and called the old man
to ask if the snowing at home had began
He did not believe me, I said, “check your twitter”
He said I was crazy. I think he was bitter.
I drove home on the freeway, 10 car lengths behind that Lexus
You know, people can’t drive in snow down in Texas.
Some snow stayed on my car throughout that long trip
So I showed it to Johnny and called him a dip.
The kids jumped for joy, as jolly as elves
And they all wondered if they’d get to see it themselves.
We waited for hours, bedtime drew near
When was the snow going to make it down here?
I spoke not a word while the kids went berserk
and finally at 9, we got quite a perk!
Look mom, here it is! It’s not rain, yes I mean it.
Come out and take a picture of me trying to eat it!
I threw on my slippers and because I’m a giver
I took lots of pictures all in between shivers.
Snow was falling from the sky, it was quite a little flurry
And I was so flippin cold all my pictures were blurry!
Daddy came out and griped, “you will all end up sick!”
I said, “come on now Johnny, quit being a dick.”
The kids settled in for a long winter’s nap
But they wanted snow, not that bedtime crap!
We said it would be there tomorrow if it snowed in the night
Now go to bed before you get grounded, all right?
While visions of iPods danced in their heads,
I tricked silly Johnny and jumped out of bed.
Away to the front yard I flew like a flash
Grabbed my camera and PJs and looked like white trash
Down the sidewalk, snap snap!
to the street, snap snap snap!
Brought my camera to Johnny and said “Look at this crap!”
He finally believed me, but looked at me funny
and asked, “did you check on the kids or were you lying to me, honey?”
Lying’s such a harsh word, I was simply distracted.
I saw lots of white stuff and over reacted.
I heard him exclaim as I uploaded photos to my site,
“Merry Christmas, Shana Rae! Tell your bitches good night!”
