‘Twas 15 nights before Christmas, when all through the orchard

“snow might fall from the sky,” was the rumor most heard;

“It’s not going to happen as long as I’m there”

Said the party-pooper brainiac without any hair.

The customers all left with knowledge in their heads

While visions of dock icons danced in their heads

And Jaqui with her webmail and I with my bubble wrap

Had just settled down for a quick breaktime nap.

When at the back door there arose such a clatter

I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter

Away to the back door I flew like a flash

Mama D tore open the shutters and threw up the sash

The students were back for their bushel of apples

and I yelled something you’d never say sitting in chapel

“Holy shit,” I said loudly with my eyes all aglow

“What the eff is this crap, is this actually snow?”

The little old driver, so lively and quick

Drove off with their fruit and I ran in real quick

More rapid than eagles my coworkers they came

they said, “Is that dandruff on your shoulder or are you insane?”

“Now Jaqui! Now, Diana! Now Adam and Hector!

I have no scalp condition, get me a lie detector!

I’m out of this place! My children, I must call!

Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”

You know what they say about years hurricanes hit

Who knew you could really believe in that shit?

So out to the parking lot so fast I flew

With my laptop and keys and my iPhone, too.

As I reached the mall exit, that’s when I knew

Emo kids were all jumping around and yelling, “WOO HOO!!”

As I pulled out my iPhone and drew a face on my car

I realized that this was really quite bizarre

I opened the door and jumped in the front seat

I pulled out my phone and posted a tweet!

I backed out of the lot and called the old man

to ask if the snowing at home had began

He did not believe me, I said, “check your twitter”

He said I was crazy. I think he was bitter.

I drove home on the freeway, 10 car lengths behind that Lexus

You know, people can’t drive in snow down in Texas.

Some snow stayed on my car throughout that long trip

So I showed it to Johnny and called him a dip.

The kids jumped for joy, as jolly as elves

And they all wondered if they’d get to see it themselves.

We waited for hours, bedtime drew near

When was the snow going to make it down here?

I spoke not a word while the kids went berserk

and finally at 9, we got quite a perk!

Look mom, here it is! It’s not rain, yes I mean it.

Come out and take a picture of me trying to eat it!

I threw on my slippers and because I’m a giver

I took lots of pictures all in between shivers.

Snow was falling from the sky, it was quite a little flurry

And I was so flippin cold all my pictures were blurry!

Daddy came out and griped, “you will all end up sick!”

I said, “come on now Johnny, quit being a dick.”

The kids settled in for a long winter’s nap

But they wanted snow, not that bedtime crap!

We said it would be there tomorrow if it snowed in the night

Now go to bed before you get grounded, all right?

While visions of iPods danced in their heads,

I tricked silly Johnny and jumped out of bed.

Away to the front yard I flew like a flash

Grabbed my camera and PJs and looked like white trash

Down the sidewalk, snap snap!

to the street, snap snap snap!

Brought my camera to Johnny and said “Look at this crap!”

He finally believed me, but looked at me funny

and asked, “did you check on the kids or were you lying to me, honey?”

Lying’s such a harsh word, I was simply distracted.

I saw lots of white stuff and over reacted.

I heard him exclaim as I uploaded photos to my site,

“Merry Christmas, Shana Rae! Tell your bitches good night!”

I am:

a Trainer

I think:

that I was drunk when I took this picture

I have:

cheap sunglasses

I dislike:

The bitch driving this white truck

I miss:

My favorite uncle

I fear:

Public speaking!

I feel:

Lucky

I hear:

iTunes

I smell:

Sex and candy :o)

I crave:

some yummy ribs

I cry:

Happy, blue tears

I usually:

Drive people around

I search:

iGoogle

I wonder:

About the sanity of my children

I regret:

Ever calling Comcast

I wish:

my friends could stop fighting

I love:

My 3 stooges

I care:

about my grandma

I always:

find random pictures of shoes when I give Courtney the camera to play with

I worry:

about when she starts driving

I am not:

welcome in the "man cave"

I remember:

How much I loved this trip

I believe:

that I can use some more junk in my trunk

I sing:

when I drive

I don’t always:

I write:

In my blog

I win:

these headphones

I lose:

papers

I listen:

to audiobooks on my phone

I don’t understand:

hypocrites

I can usually be found:

with my nose in my macbook pro

I need:

My kids

I forget:

Numbers!!

I am happy:

that I finally finished this post!

To the flag
Of the United Steaks Of America.

-Courtney

I stole this from Laura. She didn’t actually tag me, but it’s fun to pretend. LOL

20 years ago….
1. I was a sophomore in HS, I think
2. I lived in Dickinson, TX
3. I wanted to drive so badly!!

10 years ago….
1. I’d just had my second child
2. I decided that I’d rather do freelance work and be with my babies
3. I told myself that I’d definitely not have any more children!

5 years ago….
1. I was getting ready to give birth to my 3rd child! (so much for that last statement!)
2. Had no idea that my OB-GYN would want to arrange some freelance work while looking up from between my legs and asking about it as I was pushing. (akwaaard) LOL

3. Arranged for the tubal ligation before I left the hospital. :o)

3 years ago….
1. I was evacuating for Hurricane Rita
2. I was on the road with all 3 kids for 24 hours straight
3. I vowed I’d never evacuate again

1 year ago….
1. I was trying to get a job with Apple
2. I was pretty content with life, but working too hard for too little
3. I was about to get a great surprise the next month.

This year so far….
1. I love my job so much I don’t freelance anymore
2. I sent my baby to preschool
3. I moved to a new house, and with my grandma, so she won’t be alone anymore

Yesterday….
1. I went to work
2. I couldn’t stop watching the weather
3. I decided it would be stupid to stay home and risk my babies lives and made reservations to evacuate

Today….
1. I ran from Hurricane Ike
2. I understood completely how someone could commit a crime of passion, and go completely insane in a moments notice, as I stood in the lobby of the La Fucking Quinta and was told I had no reservation
3. I am thankful that my parents were here to save the day, and that Johnny is on his way here and out of harm’s way!

Tomorrow….
1. I’ll watch the weather constantly
2. I might take the kids to see the Alamo
3. I hope none of my friends at home get hurt.

Next year….
1. I will pay the home insurance another year and say fuck it if a storm comes. I’m gone.
2. I will cry when I put my baby on the bus for Kindergarten
3. I will cry when my oldest starts to drive!

I tag….
Whoevah! :o) I don’t think anyone reads anyway! LOL

That’s me:

Why are the things that I love so much probably going to be the things that kill me?

Today, I rode the scooter around the ‘hood on the wet streets and later on, I played ball (fastpitch). I’m still here after both of them!! 

I get overheaded and get some serious migraines from playing softball. I love to play, but my body doesn’t love me when I play. I signed up for another season, but told them I’d only be able to play the late games.

Tonight started out pretty good. On my first at bat, I hit it in the grass behind the second baseman, she overthrew it to first, and I ran to second. Double! Woo hoo! I can’t remember how I made it home - seems like I stole third and then went home on a hit. I also think it was the only run we made the entire game. Most of the game is a blur because after all of that base running, the blood left my head, I stopped sweating, and I got a little LOOPY!! 

Next time at bat (2 innings later because we weren’t doing too hot), I was just hoping my legs would take me all the way to first base. I had a serious case of noodle-legs! She pitched one low and waaaay inside and I barely jumped back in time to avoid it. I did the sign of the cross, a couple of hail Marys, got back in the box, and got to walk to first. Hell yeah! It’s still a blur - I think I got to second on a hit, and then tried to steal third after the catcher threw to first to try to pick her off. She got both of us, dammit! I felt like Snoopy when he does that thing where his legs move 90 mph, but he doesn’t go anywhere. 

I played second and nothing exciting happened out there other than me not making it fast enough to catch balls that I should have had. I also kept running behind the base when covering for some reason. I kept doing it even after I said outloud to myself, “in front of the base, stupid!” Ugh!!

I hate Texas heat. I am amazed that I didn’t get a migraine. I took the vicodin anyway, cause it’s just fun. I can kind of feel the throbbing breaking through every few minutes, so I’m glad I took it.

Anyways, I’m trying to ride the scooter every day now. As soon as I get more confident with turning I am going to take the trip all the way to work. I am doing really well, but I’m trying to be smart about this since I do have 3 children to think about. I haven’t been to highway speeds yet, but I’m much less scared of going fast and in a straight line than I am of loosing control in a turn. So more practice until I can do it without the white knuckles!!

I read some advice today that I LOVE:

“Fear of death doesn’t prevent you from dying… it prevents you from living.”

Johnny’s working nights tonight. He called me around 8:30 to tell me that he let a friend of his borrow one of our pitching machines (yes we have more than one - DOH!) and he wanted to let me know that the guy would be bringing it back in a few minutes.

I hung up the phone and jumped up to open the garage and nosey Nikki was following me saying, “What are you doing? Who was that? Who’s coming over? huh? huh?” So I told her, “Daddy let a man borrow his balls and he’s bringing them back.” I like to say things that disgust  her when she’s being annoying and any talk about balls will always be taken the wrong way with her. That’s what you do when you’re 14 - you make a dirty joke out of everything. Apparently you also do this at 34, but whatever - we’re talking about Nikki here. If I say something disgusting enough, it usually causes her to freak out and leave me alone. But sometimes she’ll come back with a pretty good response.

So now I’m standing in the garage letting the door open and she’s standing in the kitchen door yelling, “I’m gonna tell him when he comes over, ‘My momma doesn’t want to play with your balls!’” The door was open to about boob-height while she was yelling that. I rolled my eyes, turned around to watch the door go over my head, and what do you know? Yes, the man is standing right in front of me. At least he knows I don’t want to play with his balls - we cleared the air on that one just in case there were any weird vibes! With my face the same red color as the weird sunburn that I got ONLY on my neck yesterday (what’s up with that?), I took the pitching machine from the man, and he handed me the little bag of balls. My hand quivered as I grabbed this strange man’s ball sack, but I grasped it firmly in my hand, told him thank you, and shut the door. Nikki was in hysterics when I walked back in, but thank goodness she didn’t see the “transaction.” We must have SOME limits. 

In other news… later in the evening, Nikki and Courtney were having one of their deeeep conversations. (Courtney is my 4 year old.) Here’s how that went: 

Nikki: “Do you want to be like me when you get bigger?” 

Courtney: “No.” 

HA HA! Oh wait, it gets better. 

Nikki: “Why?” 

Courtney: “Because you’re mean and grouchy.” 

Nikki makes a sad face and acts like she’s crying 

Courtney, very matter-of-factly: “What? You didn’t know?”

Oh SNAP!!!

What can I say about today? Courtney really wanted to go shopping, and she told me that if I’d take her that… well let me let her tell you in her own words.

Courtney: “Mom. Pleeeease, let’s go to Sams!” 

Me: ” ”

Courtney: “Mom! PAHLEEEEASE!! If you take me to Sam’s I’ll give you a m…… (muffled words - sounded like “million dollars”)”

Me: *giggle* “You’ll give me what?”

Courtney: “I’ll give you a MEATLOAF!!!”

Well how do you say no to meatloaf? I know.

“Ask daddy, baby.” he he

“She’s always grinning, this one. Every time I look over at her.” 

That’s what one of my coworkers told a customer, referring to me.

I can’t help it. Life is good. 





I just wish my house was clean. 

Kristen has been waiting for about a week for one of her back teeth to come out. It was hanging on by a thread all that time. Today she’s sick and she’s slept most of the day away. She finally woke up, walked over to me, pulled her cheek back so that I could see her missing back tooth and said, “Look”.

I said, “Oh wow…  you lost it!!”

To that she said, “Literally.” and with a face like this:  and then she walked away.


Yeah, we have no idea where it is. hmmmm

Last night I spent some time lying in bed watching TV while the girls had run of the house. Note to self: bad idea.

When I went to the kitchen later that night, I caught a glimpse of something weird in the fish tank out of the corner of my eye. She poured half the container of fish food in there and blamed it on Kristen!

The food is little floating pellets and all of those little things floating around on the top of the water reminded me of bacteria on a petri dish… kinda like this:

I was too tired (OK, lazy) to fish them out of there last night. Another bad idea. Now it looks about as clear as the Gulf of Mexico (where we live, that means BROWN). Her little hermit crab that she found at the beach a few weeks ago finally came out of his shell and walked around. I guess he feels at home now. :giggle:

THANKS, COURTNEY!!!!!!

Update:

I took all of the creatures out this morning to clean it and I found out that we actually have TWO hermit crabs in there. I had no idea! There are shells all over the bottom and I thought he was a shell. He got a little air time when I realized he was in there.

Yesterday, Johnny, Nikki and I were all home with the stomach flu. We didn’t do anything but lay in bed and get up to visit the potty.

Courtney felt great - she apparently still does! I’m so happy she’s feeling good, but I feel bad that she got almost no attention yesterday. I got up a few times to make her something to eat/drink, and she was such a good girl. She’d just sit next to one of us and play with her toys or watch TV.

All was well until Kristen got home later. My grandma’s friend brought her home for me. Here are some of the crazy things I found during that time:Kristen got out a 3-pack of Ivory soap and I found her sitting on the Dora couch cutting into them with a steak knife.

I only had the energy to say, “Kristen, stop that!” I’m finding chunks of crushed soap all over the place today. I guess her first thought was, “Heck yes! Momma’s out - time to practice my widdlin’!!”

The next time I got up, Kristen found one of the guinea pigs in her school bag!!! Courtney has a bad habit of taking it out of the cage and leaving it in crazy places. I’ve found it in a box, on the couch, on the floor under a blanket. Sadly, I believe her days are numbered if I don’t put the cage up higher. She’s perfectly content when she’s covered up, so she just sits there waiting for mom to discover her or for disaster to strike. Anyway, I was warming up my gourmet dinner for the un-sick… Nuggets a la Chicken with salt & vinegar tomato sauce… and Kristen screamed, “OMG, the guinea pig pooped on my school stuff!!” The other day she left one of her papers sitting too close to the cage and they chewed a corner of it. So last week, the guinea pig ate her homework and this week, they pottied on it. oh dear.

My grandma sent over a bunch of juice for us with her friend. Someone drank an entire half gallon of Sunny D, and about 4 little bottles and boxes of juice last night. Again,

I went to the living room to lay down later because my legs were restless and I was tossing and turning. Well apparently the guinea pig had also spent some time on the couch. She left gifts. Of course, nobody bothered to pick them up. I said, screw this, made sure they were both in the cage, and went back to bed.I’ve only managed to get through a little bit of the mess. I’m sure I’ll find more weird shit later.

I took a shower earlier and I was ranting, raving, and searching in the nude for my razor. Nikki stayed the night with a friend last night and obviously took it with her. 

Fast forward to 8:45 pm. We’re getting ready for bed. Nikki’s taking everything out of her backpack from the sleepover so she can put her school stuff in it. Kristen runs in our room and says, “daddy, Nikki’s hurt and she needs you!!”

She had that razor in her backpack and sliced her finger open. Eeeewww! Ick!!! I’m so glad Johnny was home!!! I’ve dealt with bloody cuts before - even gazed into one on Courtney’s head that needed stitches - but there’s something about a cut from a razor that just makes me want to do this: Ya know??

He looked at it and decided that she needed to go to the ER. I started getting dressed but he decided to take her. So that’s where they are right now.

I couldn’t lay back down so I started cleaning stuff up. Courtney has a spring in her butt or something because she keeps popping back out here and I tell her to “GO TO BED ,” but she’s not having it. 

Just a few minutes ago, Kristen ran out here in a panic because…”I was laying down pretending like I was sleeping and Courtney put this thing on my finger!!”

I looked at her hand and she had a cable tie around her finger as tight as it could go… it was starting to turn the tip of her finger red.

FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, PEOPLE!!! What tha hell?? Only my kids could find a way to hurt themselves with a cable tie, of all things!

She was trying to cut it off with the scissors but she couldn’t get it under there without hurting her skin. I was just picturing Johnny’s face when we showed up in the ER waiting room with Kristen’s finger bleeding all over the place from her do-it-yourself de-cabling!

I grabbed the scissors from her (asked if she was nuts of course), and I couldn’t cut it off, either. I found something that fit inside of the piece that makes the cable tight and pried the little plastic piece up until it let go of her finger.

Nikki just called me from the ER. She’s concerned about the blood on her shirt and getting enough sleep to go to school. I’m surprised that she hasn’t ran screaming out of the ER at the thought of them poking her with something. Usually she’s in a panic attack if she thinks she’ll get a shot. Maybe dad should take them in more often. 

I’m still over here -ing at the thought of that razor cutting her. BLAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!! 

(Edited to add that all was well. No stitches, no lost appendages. They all got out of bed for school the next morning. Mom eventually shaved her legs.) 

Callie now has a friend.

Her name is Ashley. At least in this 5 minutes it is… the name changes with Courtney’s mood.

I send my husband to get bedding for it… BEDDING!! and he comes home with another one.

Actually, it’s a good thing. They are really social animals and they are supposed to be happier with a buddy. I’m just not crazy over this one because she feels like pubic hair.

Here she is. Courtney changes her name every 5 minutes so I’ve taken to calling her Whatsername Or “Pubes”

That’s an awful picture - she’s not that ugly, but she was scared so I only took the one picture. 

Callie the Guinea Pig!!

ohnny made a deal with Kristen - she got it for keeping her room clean. I think Nikki is planning a photo shoot later and there’s talk of making her a myspace so she can befriend Mr. Gilbert.

Edit:

My goodness, she is in love with this creature. I just caught her in bed trying to make a little bassinet for her so that she could sleep closer to her. I think she put her down for a total of 30 whole minutes tonight.

She’s safely back in her own bed now, don’t worry.

Kristen went to VBS last week with Lindsey. They got a bunch of little toys that went with the theme and they named the bull “Coach Johnny.” Gosh, I have no idea why he reminds them of Johnny.

Yes, the back says “OBEY MY COMMANDMENTS”
_________________

Saving Silverman is on TV. It’s the beginning where they show their band “Diamonds in the Rough” for the first time and they’re all dressed up in their Neil Diamond attire. Courtney says, “Mommy! That looks like you!” (Talking about Jason Biggs as Neil Diamond). We argued for a long time and she swears that he looks like me. I don’t know what I’m going to do with that child. Enjoy. My daughter thinks I look like this.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Either a pile of crap fell on top of me or I bled uncontrollably from the ass after getting a sequin lodged in it.

In other words, I’m going to finish cleaning Kristen’s room. Yes, the floor is covered in sequins. And JUNK!!!! Hello, Goodwill!

I hope I don’t flatten the back tires on my car when I load up all of this stuff…

This weekend, Kristen’s team is going to State. They’re having it in a town about 45 min away. There was a coaches meeting at 2 so Johnny and Cheryl went to it and Kristen and Lindsey (and courtney) are here with me. We’re not going up there until 7:30 and it would be too much gas for Johnny and cheryl to drive home and back so they’re staying.

Anyway, I talked to them at one point after the meeting and Johnny was planning on riding around town (he’s on the Harley), and Cheryl was headed to Wal Mart. Well I called Johnny 5 minutes ago and they’re both at Target together! Johnny says that they’re shopping for undergarments that “her husband will appreciate.” CHeryl claims she just called him to come see what was on clearance. Yeah. umm hmm. OH - and I should also mention that last time I called, she was showing him the back of her van… the party van with the back seat that folds down flat. I knew I shouldn’t have sent those two alone!!!

OK so Cheryl and Johnny are out whoring up Target and Kristen and Lindsey are making creations in the kitchen. Courtney keeps telling me, “those girls are being mean to me mommy. They got my play dough wet and put it in the freezer!” This is a total made up story - they’re cutting up strawberries and there is no play dough in the freezer. She’s also screaming, “you’d better not eat those cupcakes that I made LASTERDAY!!!” I don’t think we’ve ever made cupcakes in my poor baby’s lifetime, much less lasterday. Before that, she was telling me that she’s “naked girl” and I’m “naked girl’s mommy.” Yes, she is fully clothed. She’s so

Kristen and Lindsey ate the pound cake that they were cutting strawberries for and Kristen says, “OK, let’s get back to work!” HUH? She’s so bossy!

Anyway, that was just an odd 5 minutes there - I thought I’d share it with you.

UPDATE:

I just learned that Kristen and Lindsey are writing songs. That’s what they needed to get to work on. She told Lindsey, “go ask the lady at the computer for some paper.”

UPDATE:

…and now courtney is under a blanket on the couch… alone… and she’s saying, “mom! leave us alone! go play somewhere else!”

Will the weirdness end?

Kristen gave me the “gifts” that she made me at school this morning.

One of them was an envelope full of coupons. They were all cut into little shapes and said:

Free not to bother you on the phone

Free car wash (I think she’s regretting that one)

Free listen to you (I need more of these)

Free water the flowers

Free clean the fish tank (she says she means the OUTSIDE of it)

Free cup of water

Free fold clothes

Free foot massage

Free help cooking

Free hang up clothes

Free get Courtney a drink

Free baby sit (10 min)

I love that kid!

Kristen (screaming at the top of her lungs): “Courtney! Momma told you not to ever lick my feet again!”

Courtney (with an impish grin on her face): “I didn’t lick them.”

Kristen: “Yes you did.”

Courtney: “I didn’t lick them with my TOUNGE!”

Me: “Well how did you lick her feet then?”

Kristen: “She licked her fingers and then rubbed them on my feet!”

I know you’re thinking, “eeeeewwww. Your child licks people’s feet? And this isn’t the first time?”

Last time they had this arguement, Kristen ran into my room to tattle about Courtney licking her feet. I called Courtney in the room and she said:

“But mommy, my tounge was comfortable!”

Now do you see why socks are so important to me?

These are not my socks that I’m wearing. I think that’s what the N stands for - ‘N’ot yo socks. But hey, I washed them and I matched them so hot damn, I’m wearin them!

Thank God for the technology that made this post possible. And thank God for letting moms get some kind of benefit out of having crazy teenagers. I might not see her on weekends if she has her way, I might only get to see the back of her head on the computer or the phone while she’s at home, I might have to endure hours of dramatic reactions to non-dramatic issues, but dammit, I’ve got twice as many socks as I would have otherwise. And jackets, too!

I predict that as she gets older, I’ll have much tougher issues to deal with, but I’m thinking that I’ll get to fit into her t-shirts around that time, so at least I’ll look good when I’m having my mental breakdown.

“Look Buffy, that old woman is like, freaking out!”

“But oh. mah. gawd. I just LOVE her shirt! And her socks! Like OMG, let’s go help her! You pick up that wad of hair she pulled out and I’ll help her get off of the floor!”

Last week when I took my car to the car wash, I decided to take out the car seat so that they could vacuum away all of the delicious crustiness that accumulates under there. How does stuff get under there anyway? I’m not sure that I could make a mess like that if I tried. My kids are talented like that, though. I think I’m going to donate our couch to science when we’re finished with it. I find some kind of complex experiment going on in there every time I lift the cushions.

Anyway, when I put the car seat back in the car, I thought I’d shake things up a little and put it in on the passenger side instead of right behind my seat. Courtney thinks that she is the bomb riding on the other side. It’s like a whole new world has opened up to her…the world on “the other side of the car”

Now that she’s graduated to her new position, she thinks that she should control more things. She keeps complaining about the radio - what’s on and how loud it is - and she’s learned how to use the button to roll down the window. I usually have the child lock on so she just complains that it’s closed.

The other day when we went to pick up her sisters from the bus stop, she was in a foul mood. She was actually crying real tears because I wouldn’t let her roll down the window. Yes, real tears. How good does your life have to be for something like that to throw it into the crapper? Then she said something that I’ll never forget:

“Mom, I can’t stop cwying! I need to woll down the window so that the wind will blow away my tears.”

I know, am in so much trouble with this child. I’d like to remain in denial about that for a while though, if you don’t mind. So instead of thinking, “oh mah gawd, can she be any more dramatic?” (which is actually what I said out loud…while rolling down the window), I will just think, “wow, what an incredibly poetic thing for a 3 year old to say. She’s such a gifted child.” he he

I will also block out the fact that yesterday she walked up to me and told me to “pop lock and drop it.”

She’s so gifted.

Last night, after I put the kids in bed, I went to the restroom.

I’m sitting on the pot, looking at the wadded up towel on the floor and I see something sticking out from underneath it. What could it be? The wrapper from the toilet paper maybe? One of the kid’s toys? Some kind of feminine protection device that my kids have decided to exploit once again?

Nope. It was bread.

Yes, I said bread.

Half a loaf of bread.

What tha? Who the hell brings bread into the bathroom, much less, half a loaf of bread? And then who the hell sees a loaf of bread on the floor and thinks nothing of it and just throws her towel on top of it??? What kind of people am I living with?? On what planet is this normal?

Yesterday I ventured out on my own, bought a few Christmas presents for the girls, wrapped them, and put them under the tree. It was quite an accomplishment for me, and each gift was picked with great care and wrapped carefully.

Courtney was VERY excited to see new gifts under there. I told her that they were for Christmas, and that we weren’t going to open them until Christmas morning.

She said OK.

Then I went to drop the kids off at the pool… take the browns to the superbowl… OK, I had to shit.

As usual, I tried to block out the little voices coming from outside the bathroom door, and I read my magazine. There are just some moments where I refuse to share my time.

A few seconds later, a brand new, UNWRAPPED video game comes sliding under the crack of the bathroom door and stops at my feet. It’s the video game that I bought for Kristen and wrapped earlier that day. A Sims pets game. Nikki slid it under the door and said, “Who’s is this???”

I said OH MY GAWD!!! Where did you get that??!!?? She said that it was just sitting in the middle of the floor. I asked, “where is Courtney?” She was hiding. I said, “where’s the wrapping paper?” She walked around and looked, and found the wrapping paper in the hallway, and Courtney hiding in the front hallway. By this time, there’s a big commotion and it’s known all through the house that Courtney has opened Kristen’s present.

Kristen was in bed, so of course when she hears this, she jumps up and starts looking around trying to find out what her present is. Courtney’s running around saying, “Kristen got a puppy movie for Cwistmas!!!” and I’m barking orders from the shitter. I’m not sure if you’ve ever tried it, but it’s not very effective.

All this time, I’m powerless to do anything other than to hide the game behind the toilet, away from the prying eyes of Kristen who’s now trying to look under the door and through the closet where the towels go.

I-YI-YI

At least I had time to compose myself before I got out of the bathroom and had that “serious” talk with Courtney about how we’re not going to open up any more presents without permission. Sometimes it’s REALLY REALLY hard to be the grown up.

I was washing dishes with Courtney standing behind me going on and on about some crazy story regarding puppies, Nana, and Pee-Wee’s playhouse.

Then, much to my dismay (since I’m supposed to play ball tonight), we hear a big thunder outside.

Courtney stops, mid sentence, and says, “What was dat, momma?”

I said, “That was thunder.”

She says, “Thumper? Is Bambi outside?”

I start cracking up, which she HATES. She does not like when we laugh at her. She says, “Momma, dat no funny. Bambi outside. She look for her momma.”

I tried not to laugh, but instead to calmly put down my dishrag and blog this before the lights go out. Now she’s under my desk hiding from Thumper. She comes out every now and then to tell me to hold her imaginary bird, or her imaginary puppy, or her imaginary Bambi. I tried to tell her that Bambi kicked me but she said “nooooooo.” Apparently I just do not get it.

After a long day of shopping, I sat down at the computer for a little mindless web surfing.

Nikki came in here asking for a needle and thread. She’s been on a sewing kick lately, cutting up old shirts and trying to make something new out of them, so I didn’t think anything of it when she asked me for sewing stuff. I made sure she wasn’t doing anything with her new clothes, she said no, and I gave her the needle and thread.

20 minutes pass. Enter Kristen, in tears.

“Mooooooooooom! Nikki sewed my monkey’s tail on the FRONT!”

For a couple of seconds I thought WTF? and then that visual hit me… the one of the monkey… with the tail… in the front.

I laughed so hard I was in tears. Poor Kristen, she was in tears, too. Not becuase she found it funny, but because her monkey now has a long hairy weiner!!

I’m sure you will believe me when I tell you that Nikki was properly punished (yeah right).

She’s in there sewing it back on the rear. She doesn’t like it one bit. I don’t blame her. I’m sure monkey weiners are more fun to sew than monkey tails.

I’m sitting here at the computer listening to the sweet little chuckles Courtney is making on the couch as her daddy tries to eat her alive. It’s the sweetest sound I’ve ever heard… giggle giggle “Daddy, TOP IT!” giggle giggle “Daddy, don’t eat me! Oh my gawsh!” giggle giggle

Last night at this time, the only sounds to be heard were those of a mother who had completely lost her mind, and an 8 year old who couldn’t care less. I’d been cleaning and working all day and as usual, you couldn’t tell. I’d just sentenced the girls to their rooms for the night without the possibility of parole and set the bail at “clean”. I walked back into the living room to finish working, stepped over a toy on the floor, and KOOSH! I nearly did the splits and busted my ass in a puddle of water.

My girls don’t think that they should have to clean up anything that they did not dirty themselves. When they DO dirty things themselves, they think that they should only have to clean it up if there’s been an extended amount of time since they had to clean the last thing they dirtied. If I dare suggest that something be cleaned that doesn’t fall into those parameters… look out.

It would have been easy for me to clean it up myself, but I’ve only recently realized that I cannot clean up after 5 people. It’s taken me 12 years of motherhood to realize that they need to learn to do it themselves or I’ll live a lifetime in this house where my feet stick to the floor in the living room and nothing is safe unless it’s at least 5 feet above floor level. One day the girls will be married and I won’t be able to travel to all 3 of their houses to take fermented bowls of cereal out of their rooms or unstick my grandchildren’s butts from their kitchen floors. They need to have houses clean enough for grandma to drive her Rascal scooter through. It’s my job to ensure that, I think.

I called Kristen into the living room from her jail cell and told her to clean up the puddle. 3 dishtowels, a still-wet floor, and a crying, slobbering 8 year old later, I sent her back to her room, cleaned it up myself, sat at my desk and sobbed. My throat was sore from yelling at her. “Why CAN’T you clean up a puddle of water? I don’t care if your sister spilled it, it’s YOUR water. Don’t tell me it’s not fair! Is it fair that I have to clean it up? It’s not my water AND I didn’t spill it” That sounds reasonable, doesn’t it? Am I crazy? I just don’t get it.

Daddy laid down the law this morning and they weren’t allowed out of their rooms until they were clean. Nikki did a GREAT job on hers and she’s been hanging out in there most of the night playing video games. She wanted to banish Courtney and Kristen from her room earlier because they kept messing it up.

“Mooooommm! I spent a lot of time cleaning my room and they are messing it up!”

Muwahahahahahaha!!! I told her that’s how I feel EVERY DAY and that unless she wanted me to banish her from my house, then she needed to let her sisters play!

Tonight as I put the girls in bed and mark another giant X on my calendar that counts down the days until school starts again, I will smile, knowing that at any time, I could sprint from the living room, into Nikki’s room, and back out, not break a leg, and quite possibly not get stuck to anything either! Life is good.

Courtney poured my Slap Ya Momma spice all over my desk chair.

I was lying in bed watching TV and Kristen ran in to give me the news. “Courtney poured the Slap Ya Momma all over your chair! It’s ALL OVER THE PLACE!!” I told her to confiscate the Slap Ya Momma from her sister and leave her momma alone for a bit. She left and I enjoyed a little giggle.

5 minutes later, there are SCREAMS from the living room. Johnny’s holding Courtney, looking at her eye, and he thinks that she’s hit her eye on the side of my guitar. Immediately I knew… “No babe, she just has Slap Ya Momma in her eye.”

“She has WHAT in her eye?”

“Slap Ya Momma”

He gives me a confused and sad look, puts the baby down, and leaves for work. (Leaving me in charge of Slap Ya Momma removal)

We got it out with a little water and a good hand washing. I vacuumed it out of my chair, but it’s a very fine spice. I can’t get over the feeling that I have some Slap Ya Momma on my ass.

Today we had the softball party for Kristen’s team (the one Johnny coaches). The girls played Laser tag, bumper boats, putt putt, games, a rock climbing wall, and a 3D motion theater. They had a blast!

Courtney “helped” me play putt putt. She would hit the ball, then she would pick it up and put it where she wanted it to be (usually within inches of the hole) and then hit it again. She did pretty good considering the putter was taller than she was.

For some reason, they didn’t put “third place” on the girl’s softball trophies that they got at closing ceremonies. They worked very hard to place third, and Johnny thought that they should have something that said that. So he bought them medals, and on the back they said, “Angels 2006 Third Place”. (I picked them out but he got all the credit - aren’t they cool, though??)

After our time expired for the party, we went to the batting cages so I could abuse my body again for the week. I got 2 new blisters to go with the callouses from last week and nearly had a heat stroke, but my arm isn’t nearly as sore as they were before. I guess I built a little bit of muscle after nearly killing myself last time. I have the regular ‘ol Saturday night headache but I’m trying not to take a vicodin tonight.

They had the final registration for the women’s softball league tonight, so maybe we’ll be playing pretty soon!!

The little turkey - she keeps putting tape around the pot squiter thing on the kitchen sink and turning it so that it sprays you when you turn the water on!!! She’s done it to me twice now, and I caught her a third time!

Last night I was on the computer and Johnny turned on the water in the kitchen and jumped around cussing. I was cracking up! I knew right away what happened - I didn’t have to ask - and I ratted her out!

Last I saw of him he was on his way to Nikki’s room with a big cup of water to pour on her head! I think he decided not to, since she was trying to go to sleep. But she is really gonna get it! I just need to figure out how!

Later in the night, she was sleeping and walked out to the living room to sleep on the couch mumbling something about a “margarita thing.”

“bla mumble mumble the margarita thing?”

“What did you say?”

“bla mumble mumble the margarita thing!”

She repeated it about 4 times and she was obviously still asleep!

Until courtney body slammed her from the top of the couch.

My parents took all 3 of the girls to the movies again today. Johnny was sleeping during that time because he’s working nights.

So there I was. All alone. Wow.

Mommy time has become a little stressful for me. What do you do with time all to yourself? You HAVE to take advantage of that time and use it in the best possible way! That’s a lot of pressure - mommy time is precious! I’m almost glad when it’s over now so I don’t have to worry about whether I’m using my time wisely or just pissing it away! Every time a car door shut outside I thought, “Oh no… is it over?” I kept looking at the clock and trying to figure out how long the movie would last and how long the drive home would take and getting more and more anxious as the time got closer. I’m just too neurotic for mommy time, I think.

That’s what my sweet baby says when you ask her how old she is! Maybe it’s her way of telling us that it’s not polite to ask a lady her age.

By the time I finish writing this, It will be October 28, 2005… my baby’s second “birfday”. Unfortunately, we’re going to spend 6 hours of it at the damn office because nobody else wants to work tomorrow. (When I say nobody else, I mean the *one* other person who works there ha ha. Shame on him for wanting a day off!)

She clearly doesn’t understand the concept of a birthday. She thinks is has something to do with Blue’s Clues. Whenever I remind her that her birthday is coming she starts babbling about “boo coo” (Blue’s Clues), “Diddy” (a sister), “da hell-o” (the phone), “ga ga” (food - notice it’s no longer called ca ca. This is progress), and “goodies” (stickers). I’m not sure how all of those things go together, but I’m sure it has something to do with Blue’s Big Birthday Show.

EGADS! There’s a big spider on the wall!! OK, I had to squish it. Usually I just let them go, but he looked frightening.

Anyway, I told her that tomorrow, after we take the Diddys to school, that we’d go buy some goodies (stickers) and call daddy on the hell-o. I might get her a cupcake and 2 candles to blow out. Whenever she sees a candle, she tries to blow it out, even if it’s a picture of a candle, so she should get a kick out of that.

We’re going to take her somewhere fun on Saturday and have some cake for her at my grandma’s on Sunday when my family goes over there. I don’t see the point of throwing ANOTHER party with a million people when she could care less. She just wants stickers and cake!

I still have not bought halloween costumes. I am so bad. I actually have some of MY costume, which is pretty sad! You’re not supposed to get your own costume before you get your kid’s costume! What’s wrong with me?? LOL

We have a million things to do this weekend. Buying costumes, 2 parties, Courtney’s thing, Courtney’s “party”, and Sunday softball games, which I’m going to ask Nikki if she’d like to SKIP this weekend. Maybe it doesn’t sound like much, but my weekend usually consists of…laundry, eating, computer, guitar, sitting on ass, laundry, cleaning, laundry, giving up on cleaning and laundry, more ass sitting, and occasionally sofball and dinner at Nana’s. This is ruining my schedule. Sheesh.

I’m usually so excited about Halloween, but this year, I’m just tired and bummed out. I haven’t even carved our puking pumpkin! That’s another thing we need to do! I can’t believe that this weekend is already here! (That’s also what I told the lady that called for my car payment today.)

I couldn’t stand to watch Kristen breathe like that and wonder if I should be getting her more help or not. So at 2:00, I put her in the car and took her to the hospital right around the corner from us.

Nikki was at Gabby’s and Johnny is at work, so it was me, Kristen and Courtney. I gave Courtney some ibuprofen cold around 8:30. She slept for 30 minutes and then woke up. It’s now 4:25 am and she is still WIRED!!!! I’m NEVER giving her that again!! EVER!! LOL

There was only one other person in the ER, so we were in and out in 2 hours. It was a record! They gave her a long treatment of something that I forgot the name of, a steriod shot, and an x-ray. A few minutes after the shot, she was breathing much much better. She didn’t like it one bit, though. I think that’s why Nikki is so deathly afraid of them. She must remember how much those hurt compared to regular ones.

I am dead tired and I’m going to bed, now that I can sleep knowing that she’s OK!!!

Kristen is breathing really fast again. She looks like she did when she went to the hospital last month. I called the nurse on call and she said that it sounds like a mild attack and that she can stay at home unless she’s needing medicine more than every 4 hours. I don’t know what’s worse…going to the hospital, or worrying about whether she needs to go or not!

Courtney has the cold, too. She is being very moody! She scared the crud out of me earlier. She was taking a nap in the bedroom and I was in the bathroom. I heard her wake up and call my name. I had the door shut, but I called her name back anyway. Our bathroom window is right by the front door (weird, I know), and I thought that I was losing my mind, but I could have swore that I heard her calling me from outside. I jumped up, as fast as you can jump up when you’re on the toilet, and sure enough, she got out of bed, walked past the bathroom, past her sister on the couch, and went straight out the front door (the big door was open and the screen door was closed)! She was in the driveway by the time I got out there. I’m never going to be able to let this child out of my sight!! Now not only am I on a campaign to keep the bathroom door closed at all times, I’m after everyone to keep the front door shut! I would like to get a screen door that’s harder to open. We need a new one anyway. Maybe we can get one for the bathroom while we’re at it! LOL That, or one of those things that automatically closes it for you. Perhaps I could get all McGuiver and make something out of rubberbands and paperclips.

If Kristen is feeling better on Sunday, we’re going to the Renaissance Festival. Johnny loves going to that thing. I used to get him tickets for his birthday every year. This year I got them free from one of the magazines I work for. YAY! It’s kind of fun, but it’s a loooooooooooong drive.

Gotta go get my kiddo more medicine! Gawd, I hope we don’t have to take her in tonight.

Kristen came home with a cold yesterday and not 5 minutes after I wrote that last blog entry, she was out here struggling to breathe. Now that it’s happened more than once for the same reason, it’s safe to say that she has asthma that’s brought on by viruses. This is the same thing that Nikki has. I was up every 4 hours giving her breating treatments last night, and I’m home from work again today.

That brings me to another shout out to the folks at Comedy Central… for the love of humanity (LOL), PLEASE stop running those damn “Girls Gone Wild” commercials all night!!! I like to watch the Daily Show and sometimes I fall asleep watching it. I don’t want to wake up at 3 am to women making out with one another and flashing their boobs. The commercial is almost as bad as the actual movie! (Yes, I’ve seen one of the movies…don’t ask) And it really pisses me off that I accidently left the TV on giving Kristen her medicine on the couch last night. I don’t think that commercial is appropriate for that channel. I’m no prude, I just like the channel and don’t want to have to worry about my kids accidently waking up to PORN if I leave it on. I think I’m going to write them.

Mr. Pujol of the St. Louis Cardinals, I just want to say, you suck. You really really suck. How DARE you do that to us?? The Astros were ONE STRIKE away from making it to the World Series. I KNEW that it was going to happen when Lidge walked the guy before him. I tried to tell them through my television set, but they didn’t listen to me. It was heartbreaking! They have to play in St. Louis now, but I *KNOW* they can still do it. They have to, for the sake of Cheryl’s marriage. LMAO

Courtney got her first real time out today when I was at work. She wanted to sit on my lap and she kept pulling my hand away from the keyboard, wanting me to draw ANOTHER Spongebob on her paper. I told her to stop or that she would have to get down. She said NO, and got mad, and then… she called me a butthead! (She learned that one from her sisters, not me!) She got that mad look on her face and said, “Boo-hi, mommy!” OOOOOH I was so mad, and trying so hard not to laugh at the same time! I made her sit on the floor by the door and she did not like that one bit. She even told me that she was sorry, so I think she got the picture.

…or my second choice of a title: “If you like my potty, and you think I’m sexy”

Isn’t it pretty? (Notice the little scribbles)

As I write this, I’m still contemplating whether I should hit the ‘draft’ button or the ‘publish post’ button. I don’t want to be known as “that mommy” who lets her toddler run around unsupervised, playing in the toilet.

But alas, that is the truth.

Johnny and I were watching TV Friday night, and Courtney was running back and forth between our room and playing with her sisters. Eventually, she decided to lay down with us and go to sleep. Soon after, we fell asleep too. (The Brumlows were snuggled all warm in their bed, while visions of flushing toilets danced in their heads)

Apparently, inbetween all of that running back and forth that she was doing, someone left the door to the bathroom open and she went to town. Now the toilet does not flush right and sometimes overflows.

I am CONSTANTLY YELLING at these people to close the damn bathroom door when they come out of it. It is not hard… I don’t think I’m asking too much. Yet at least 3 times a day, I walk past the bathroom and the door is wide open. So I yell again. “OK, mommy, OK!,” they say. At least once a week, Courtney siezes the opportunity to go in there when nobody is looking. Some of the things that I have fished out of the toilet are Barbies, a toothbrush, toothpaste, hairbrush, makeup, and an entire roll of toilet paper.

She’s not always in there by herself. Sometimes she will follow Kristen in there. Kristen uses the bathroom and then becomes occupied with things like playing with Barbie dolls in the bathtub, her reflection, or doing weird things with my makeup that I can’t even describe. She goes into that little bathroom fantasy land in her mind and nothing that is going on around her phases her. Barbie and Ken could be having dinner over in Chez Bathtub, and Courtney could be right behind her making toothpaste smoothies for them in the toilet, unbeknownst to Kristen.

So anyway, Saturday morning I noticed the unusual markings in the toilet and didn’t think too much of it. I didn’t want to…it was too early to think that hard. So I tinkled. Then I flushed. And I flushed again. That’s when it occured to me that this was more than art. This was going to be expensive.

Kristen knows more than she’s letting on to. She says that she saw Courtney in there by the toilet with a pencil and a fork.

Wha??

“Excuse me if I sound stupid for asking, but why did you see this and not get her out of the bathroom or tell me, so that I could get her out of the bathroom?”

“I dunno.”

She has that shitty little grin on her face that tells me that she knows EXACTLY what happened in there Friday night, that it involves her in some way, and that I probably don’t REALLY want to know exactly what went down our ONLY toilet.

I’ll be calling the plumber tomorrow. Hopefully he’ll be as nice with the bill as he was last month!