http://www.cafepress.com/sportygifts

“snow might fall from the sky,” was the rumor most heard;

“It’s not going to happen as long as I’m there”

Said the party-pooper brainiac without any hair.

The customers all left with knowledge in their heads

While visions of dock icons danced in their heads

And Jaqui with her webmail and I with my bubble wrap

Had just settled down for a quick breaktime nap.

When at the back door there arose such a clatter

I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter

Away to the back door I flew like a flash

Mama D tore open the shutters and threw up the sash

The students were back for their bushel of apples

and I yelled something you’d never say sitting in chapel

“Holy shit,” I said loudly with my eyes all aglow

“What the eff is this crap, is this actually snow?”

The little old driver, so lively and quick

Drove off with their fruit and I ran in real quick

More rapid than eagles my coworkers they came

they said, “Is that dandruff on your shoulder or are you insane?”

“Now Jaqui! Now, Diana! Now Adam and Hector!

I have no scalp condition, get me a lie detector!

I’m out of this place! My children, I must call!

Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”

You know what they say about years hurricanes hit

Who knew you could really believe in that shit?

So out to the parking lot so fast I flew

With my laptop and keys and my iPhone, too.

As I reached the mall exit, that’s when I knew

Emo kids were all jumping around and yelling, “WOO HOO!!”

As I pulled out my iPhone and drew a face on my car

I realized that this was really quite bizarre

I opened the door and jumped in the front seat

I pulled out my phone and posted a tweet!

I backed out of the lot and called the old man

to ask if the snowing at home had began

He did not believe me, I said, “check your twitter”

He said I was crazy. I think he was bitter.

I drove home on the freeway, 10 car lengths behind that Lexus

You know, people can’t drive in snow down in Texas.

Some snow stayed on my car throughout that long trip

So I showed it to Johnny and called him a dip.

The kids jumped for joy, as jolly as elves

And they all wondered if they’d get to see it themselves.

We waited for hours, bedtime drew near

When was the snow going to make it down here?

I spoke not a word while the kids went berserk

and finally at 9, we got quite a perk!

Look mom, here it is! It’s not rain, yes I mean it.

Come out and take a picture of me trying to eat it!

I threw on my slippers and because I’m a giver

I took lots of pictures all in between shivers.

Snow was falling from the sky, it was quite a little flurry

And I was so flippin cold all my pictures were blurry!

Daddy came out and griped, “you will all end up sick!”

I said, “come on now Johnny, quit being a dick.”

The kids settled in for a long winter’s nap

But they wanted snow, not that bedtime crap!

We said it would be there tomorrow if it snowed in the night

Now go to bed before you get grounded, all right?

While visions of iPods danced in their heads,

I tricked silly Johnny and jumped out of bed.

Away to the front yard I flew like a flash

Grabbed my camera and PJs and looked like white trash

Down the sidewalk, snap snap!

to the street, snap snap snap!

Brought my camera to Johnny and said “Look at this crap!”

He finally believed me, but looked at me funny

and asked, “did you check on the kids or were you lying to me, honey?”

Lying’s such a harsh word, I was simply distracted.

I saw lots of white stuff and over reacted.

I heard him exclaim as I uploaded photos to my site,

“Merry Christmas, Shana Rae! Tell your bitches good night!”

a Trainer

I think:

that I was drunk when I took this picture

I have:

cheap sunglasses

I dislike:

The bitch driving this white truck

I miss:

My favorite uncle

I fear:

Public speaking!

I feel:

Lucky

I hear:

iTunes

I smell:

Sex and candy :o)

I crave:

some yummy ribs

I cry:

Happy, blue tears

I usually:

Drive people around

I search:

iGoogle

I wonder:

About the sanity of my children

I regret:

Ever calling Comcast

I wish:

my friends could stop fighting

I love:

My 3 stooges

I care:

about my grandma

I always:

find random pictures of shoes when I give Courtney the camera to play with

I worry:

about when she starts driving

I am not:

welcome in the "man cave"

I remember:

How much I loved this trip

I believe:

that I can use some more junk in my trunk

I sing:

when I drive

I don’t always:

I write:

In my blog

I win:

these headphones

I lose:

papers

I listen:

to audiobooks on my phone

I don’t understand:

hypocrites

I can usually be found:

with my nose in my macbook pro

I need:

My kids

I forget:

Numbers!!

I am happy:

that I finally finished this post!

-Courtney

My friend Erin gave me this bitchin award! It’s especially amazing because they spelled it with a K. K means Kwality in my book!

The blog award rules:
1. List 6 things about yourself and
2. Pass this award on to 6 other bloggers

Okay, so 6 nice and random things about me:
1. My first job when I was 15 was at D’s Kuntry Chicken and Katfish. After that, I worked at K-Mart. (Told you K’s were wonderful)

2. I am a total Apple geek. Anything Apple - I’m all over that.

3. I am agnostic. I just cannot wrap my head around the idea that there is just one religion and everyone who doesn’t believe in it will go to hell.

4. I sing like super-diva in the car on my way to work in the morning.

5. I play with my eyebrows when I’m nervous or concentrating too hard.

6. The thing I miss most about our old house - I left my Virgin Mary toast maker over there. :o(

So I guess I have to give this to someone now… since I know the same bloggers as Erin, some of these will be a repeat, but that’s how I roll, bitches!

1. Amanda

2. Laura

3. Dee

4. Cam

5. Angie

6. last, but not least, Emily, my BFF

What kind of insanity is going to happen inside of this tuna can on the night of June 7, 2012? I’m almost tempted to save it and open it on the 8th just to see what happened.

Today I’m off again and going to pick her up. I was about 10 minutes early, so I sat in the car playing on my phone. She goes to a church school, so I was sitting in the church parking lot. A Bible Study group let out right in front of where I was parked. I don’t think any of them were under 65 yrs old.

This one man, about 300 lbs, stepped down onto the rocks and FELL right in front of my car!! He tried to get up, but he couldn’t muster up the strength or the breath to push himself up to his feet from the rocks that he was sitting on. All of the old ladies were doing this and 2 of the older men tried to pull him up but he fell back down.

I opened up my driver’s door, pushed my way through the old ladies and said, “Outta my way!!”

I’m just kidding, but they WERE blocking my door. I really said, “excuse me”

I borrowed one of the old lady’s walkers and she leaned up against my car while we used it to help the guy up. We set it in front of him and me and one of the men pushed down on it so that it wouldn’t move, and the other man took the rear end. He was able to get back on his feet after 3 tries. I was wearing the worst shirt for this job… I’m sure I flashed all of the old ladies as I was leaning over and when the man finally got up, he looked down… then up… and said thank you.

I’m telling Johnny that he needs to pick up Courtney from now on. That’s WAAAAY too much excitement for me! Although, I am a little proud that we actually figured out a way to get him up. He walked away and seemed OK.

Around 11 p.m. every night, I am exhausted. Ever since we moved though, I have had an amazing case of the jumpy legs. My body wants to sleep, but my legs want to jump up and run a marathon. A more comfy mattress didn’t help. Exercising doesn’t help, neither does NOT exercising (my personal favorite); nor does eating bananas or taking potassium and/or iron. And sleeping pills? That makes it about a million times worse. I’m just sleepier and grouchier when my legs wake me up and I do my little bouncy dance around the living room.

Is that the weirdest problem ever? I mean seriously? If someone told me that shit, I’d laugh in their face.

The prescription medicine sounds really nice. I may have some undisclosed sexual side effects (I wonder if they’re good?), hallucinations, and an unusual urge to compulsively gamble! Best side effects EVAH.

Off to do the cha-cha…

This is nice. I might just smash up the front, too!

Back off, biatch

I heard from Progressive lately and the woman who hit me won’t answer calls from her insurance company. The truck she was driving was not on her policy. OF COURSE! UGH

But hey, did I mention… I HAVE THE INTERNET NOW??? Woo hoo!! I am so happy. I have to leave for work in 5 minutes though. Boo!! LOL

OK, all of you in Galveston County… let’s go over what a blinking or non-working traffic light means. It’s like 4 way stop. You have to stop and yield to people. You can’t just barrel through the intersection without stopping and sideswipe people, or half ass stop and go right away, or run it, or think that because the person in front of you scoots up that she’s going all the way through the light like it was green. I could go on about this all day. Apparently people have forgotten how to drive in the last 2 weeks. I HATE being on the road. My road rage is almost surpassing my Comcast rage!

OK, calm down….

Miss Courtney.

This morning, she huffed and puffed out of her room, stopped in front of me with one hand perched on her hip and announced to me that Nikki told her to be quiet in their room. I said, “OK, so then be quiet.” To which she replied, very matter-of-factly while throwing the hips to the other side, “Nikki is NOT the boss of me. I am my OWN boss!” Holy cow! That was the funniest thing I’ve heard in ages and I bursted into a fit of laughter (which Courtney scolded me for - she was being serious, not funny). In hindsight though… Oh dear me, I’m in so much trouble with this one.

She is only like that at home so far, and not at school (her church school) thank goodness. I always joke with Nikki that if she goes to school and says something inappropriate to her teacher that NIKKI will be grounded, because NIKKI thinks it’s funny to teach her little sister to say naughty things. Of course, I do not laugh and encourage that behavior when it happens. That would be irresponsible. Um, yeah… irresponsible… Who would do such a thing?

Anyway at school, THANK GOODNESS she is quiet. All morning. Abnormally quiet. She’s happy go lucky all the way to the door of the school and once we walk in, that deer in the headlights stare is in full effect. I don’t think she turns her head all morning. She just looks straight ahead and if she has to turn her head, her whole body turns along with it. She does the same thing when she gets her hair cut. It’s like a state of suspended animation, and as soon as the haircut is over or school is out, she’s crazy Courtney again. She loves school and she tells me all kinds of things about it. She tells me that she goes on nature walks that involve lots of walking but not much nature, that she does crafts, that she makes friends with girls who she can’t remember the names of and describes them by hair and shirt color, etc. These friends must communicate with her telepathically though, because I promise she does not talk! Thank goodness, because with the coaching she’s received from her big sister, the teacher would tell her to write her name on her paper and she’d scream, “Yaah trick, YAAAAAH!”

My kids are amazing and definitely not always naughty. So I’ll throw in a little proof of that. Nikki made all A’s and 1 B on her report card, even though she’s in AP classes and her schedule was changed 3 times in 6 weeks. Courtney is learning to write and recognize letters and learn phonics like a pro. I’m positive that Kristen is doing well in school, in her GT classes and in student council, and she made me a gourmet dinner of Ramen noodles tonight. She added her special spices and even garnished it with some ghetto parsley (a torn off piece of lettuce). She’s going to be cooking on the Food channel one day if she’s not a rocket scientist or a brain surgeon.

Well crud, I just can’t stop with the blogging tonight. Here’s another funny from yesterday that I just though of. Kristen fell off of her skateboard for the hundred-millionth time and got a tiny scrape on her knee that was bleeding just a little bit. Since Courtney had already used all of the band-aids on random mosquito bites and freckles that looked suspiciously like boo-boos, all we had to cover it with was gauze and some medical tape. She doctored it up herself and I didn’t think anything of it. That is, until she was sitting on the couch messing with it and my grandma walked by, looked, stopped and gasped loudly. I looked over at Kristen’s knee and there was a big red spot on the outside of the gauze. I huge feeling of guilt washed over me because I told her that it was just a little scrape and had her just go wash it up and put something over it. I didn’t even get out of my chair. Obviously it was more than that… it was bleeding all the way through the gauze! Nana bent down to look at it and said, “Kristen! What happened?” I started to get up out of my chair and walk over when she got a really guilty look on her face. She admitted, “Oh it’s OK Nana, I was just drawing on the bandage.” The little turkey got a red marker and drew blood on the outside of the gauze and scared the crap out of us. She tried to tell me that she was just decorating it and making it “Polka dotted,” but polka dotted would imply more than one big bloody looking spot! I got a good laugh out of that one too.

My kids are the best!

(No offense to any of you who may have your own children whom you may have mistakenly thought were the best.)

You know how I blogged about the traffic lights not working the other day? Yeah, well somebody wasn’t paying attention at one today and smashed into me.

crap

I was about 3 cars back in line at a blinking traffic light. We were stopped and the first person in line went, so I scooted up a bit and started to stop. That’s when a woman in an SUV barreled into me. Apparently she was talking on the phone and instead of looking at the light she assumed that we were just stopped at a regular light rather than a blinking one. She just kept on truckin after we all stopped.

It scared the crap out of me and I couldn’t really think straight for a while after it happened. Thankfully, I was by myself. I was actually on my way to pick up Courtney from school. The police came VERY quickly. I think he was just driving by because I’d just hung up the phone when he pulled up. He collected all of the information from her and wrote her 2 tickets. She had an expired license and claimed that she had insurance with State Farm, but couldn’t produce an insurance card. I called State Farm and it sounded like maybe she’s covered, maybe not. I’m afraid that she has insurance, but that the truck she was in is not on her policy. That’s kind of what they made it sound like without really saying it. I’ll find out for sure on Monday. My insurance, Progressive, was extremely helpful. It’s the first time I’ve had to use them and I would recommend them for sure. They set me up to have it fixed tomorrow, but I’d rather wait until Monday to see exactly where I stand with her insurance before I pay anything out of my pocket.

My everything is sore. Yes, my everything. My wrist mostly. I’m hoping it will just go away. It doesn’t hurt bad enough right now to go to the doctor.

The good news? When she hit me, everything flew around the car and I found my flash drive that I’ve been looking for all week! Woo hoo!

I’ve been on the phone all day with insurance and phone / internet / cable companies. Comcast sent me a bill for $671 and that was the last straw. I almost crapped my pants when I saw it. $671 for 2 weeks of service and royally screwing up an installation and never completely fixing it. I refuse to pay them and I am tired of fighting with them about everything. I will have to pay someone else to fix their mistakes. It would probably take an Oprah intervention to get my bill back to what it’s supposed to be. I have to wait for 2 weeks before they can install my satellite stuff, so I’m holding off on my huge internet bitch fit about it until then so I can sacrifice the dozen channels that I do have, and the chance that the internet and phone just MIGHT come on in the meantime. I promised that if they gave me BS last time I spoke with them that I’d unplug all of the boxes and throw them in the street. Stay tuned for pictures of that.

Anywhooooo (I stole that phrase from my BFF). Anywhoooooo…. we’re going to get our regular phone line back from AT&T and then get Directv and satellite internet. We can’t get DSL and I can’t get a decent cell phone connection here, either. You’d think we were out in the middle of the damn wilderness.

Our next door neighbor passed away last night. :o( He had liver cancer. They stayed here during the hurricane and the power outage because they couldn’t evacuate him in his condition. It makes me want to go bitch slap stupid bloggers who think they know about that shit. Those were his last days at his home. The power came back on the day after the ambulance took him to the hospital.

So it wasn’t the best day at our house. It hasn’t been the best month to tell you the truth. I KNEW that when I got that chain email last month that I should have forwarded it to 10 more people…

EFF!

This was the first official day that Galveston was letting residents back onto the island to see their homes. I spent over an hour sitting with a man who just found out that his home was a total loss. His home was beautiful and it was obvious that he is well off. When he told me how helpless he felt about being essentially homeless without any solution in the forseeable future, it made me feel bad for him and horrible for those who don’t have the resources that he does. It was tough.

I was excited that comcast put my cable back on the pole, but disappointed once again that it only kind of works, that the internet and phone don’t work at all, and I got fed more BS about the why’s and when’s of it all. If they’d just tell me that I’ll be waiting another week, I’d be cool with that. It’s the lying that is making me crazy! Triple play = triple fucked. I need to find another company for my internet but it’s a weird area that nobody will service.

Other than driving my kids around, that was my whole day. Tomorrow has to be better.

We have power now, thank goodness. The kids went back to school and things are starting to get back to normal. It’s definitely not the case for everyone. It’s 11 days after the hurricane and people are still without power. As I drive out of my neighborhood, I pass up 3 homemade signs with the words, “we need power” spray painted on plywood. They may or may not have it on this week. It’s not a big deal to lose your power for a few hours, or even for a day, but it is nearly impossible to live like that for an extended period of time. Especially in Texas heat, especially with children, and especially when everyone else is getting on with their lives and have progressed to bitching about having no cable.

That’s my main job these days. When we moved over here, it took about a month and dozens of calls and emails to get my service installed and they still haven’t corrected some of the mistakes they made in their botched installation. I had cable for a couple of weeks and then the storm hit. Imagine my horror when we got home and found that the cable had fallen from the pole and into the street. It was not so much the horror of not having tv, Internet or phone, but the horror of having to deal with comcast again. I don’t want to give details because thinking about it starts a fire in my gut, but let’s just say that the line of BS I was given today involved my cable magically reattaching itself to the pole while I sit and wait and continue to pay for having no service. I called no less than 6 times to inform them of the line on the ground, and this woman cancelled my service call and assured me that it would be on after my neighborhood “node” was fixed. There was no need to come to my house. (That’s where the comcast magic comes in, folks. You just have to believe!!)

Ugh! That doesnt even scratch the surface of the BS they’ve told me this week. They make me crazy! So onto better things…

Kristen was so excited this afternoon. She made student council!! She actually tied with another girl so they have to take another vote to decide who will be the alternate. But she was on cloud 9!

Courtney was being a big ol silly butt all afternoon. This will probably be one of those things that you have to see to appreciate, but I’ll tell you anyway, mostly because it makes me giggle. We were watching our kick ass tv with the rabbit ear antennas and an iPhone commercial came on. It shows this neat application that finds restaurants near you and says, “this will change everything.” courtney was playing with dolls and not even watching the commercial, yet she chimed in and says matter-of-factly, “oh yeah? Well can it change your
SCHOOL?” hmmmm I’ll have to ask a genius about that one!

Nikki and her friend katie spent the evening making crazy shirts to wear to school tomorrow that wish their friend Miranda a happy birthday. There’s also a giant card for her. I think the goal was to embarrass Miranda, but that plan might just backfire on them. LOL

Yes I know I switched from past to present tense in every other sentence, but I’m not editing. Down with grammar! Down with this blog entry! Down with my head… It’s time for bed!